Bible Verses for Estranged Family: Grief for Someone Still Living, What “Honor” Meant, and the Families Who Parted

Psalm 34:18, for grief over somebody still alive

17 The righteous cry, and Yahweh hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles. 18 Yahweh is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit. 19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but Yahweh delivers him out of them all.

Verse 18 speaks of nearness now, with rescue named on either side of it, in verses 17 and 19. It speaks of a broken heart and a crushed spirit and leaves the rest to you, so it can hold grief for somebody still living, as many people here describe it.

One way to use it: on the date that used to be a family day, read Psalm 34:18 slowly, then stay with this question: what would it mean to let nearness, rather than explanation, be enough today? The same verse is read for a parent who died after a difficult relationship.

How common this is, and how differently each side tells it

Karl Pillemer, in Fault Lines (2020), reports a US national survey in which 27 percent of adults had cut off a family member. In the UK, Hidden Voices (2015), by Lucy Blake, Becca Bland and Susan Golombok with the charity Stand Alone, surveyed 807 people online who were estranged from a parent, an adult child or a sibling.

The two sides often explain it differently. Joshua Coleman, with Philip and Carolyn Cowan, analyzed a survey of 1,360 parents estranged from an adult child; those parents often point to a divorce, a remarriage, an adult child's spouse or therapy. Kristina Scharp studied the accounts of 52 adult children who had distanced themselves, and adult children in these studies more often describe emotional abuse and differences in values. Whichever side you are on, it may help to know how common this is, and that the person on the other side may tell it another way.

Grief for somebody still alive

Pauline Boss named this ambiguous loss in 1999, calling it "the most difficult, most stressful loss there is." Kenneth Doka, in 1989, described disenfranchised grief as grief for a loss "that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported." One Hidden Voices respondent said, "It makes me feel very alone and sad." Losing a brother says more about grief like this.

Psalm 69 has a line for exactly this. David, insulted for God's sake, says: "I have become a stranger to my brothers, an alien to my mother’s children." You can pray it as it stands. Psalm 69 is also read for the people who took sides.

What “honor your father and mother” meant

Many readers here have had this verse quoted at them. One person asked on Reddit's r/Christianity, "And I'm supposed to honor these people? Really?"

Exodus 20:12 reads, "Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land which Yahweh your God gives you." The Hebrew root, in the Brown-Driver-Briggs lexicon, has the basic sense "be heavy, weighty, glorious." The Talmud, in Kiddushin 31b, describes honor in practical terms, such as providing food, drink and clothing and helping a parent in and out, and treats reverence separately. Maimonides, in Mishneh Torah, Rebels 6:10, writing of a parent whose mind has failed, says a child who cannot bear it "may go away and leave them to others who are fit to care for them properly."

The Catholic Catechism says a child "convinced in conscience that it would be morally wrong to obey a particular order" must not obey it (2217), and that grown children have the "right and duty to choose their profession and state of life" (2230). The Reformed Westminster Larger Catechism lists among the sins of parents and other superiors "excessive severity" (Q. 130). And Ephesians 6:4, in the same passage as the command, says, "You fathers, don’t provoke your children to wrath."

Each of these describes honor as a duty and also names its limits, and they draw those limits in different places. In the same Reddit thread, one commenter gave their own view: "honoring them does not mean you have to have anything to do with them or obey them as an adult."

Forgiving and going back are two different things

Romans 12:18 reads, "If it is possible, as much as it is up to you, be at peace with all men." The verse carries its own two conditions, and Matthew Henry reads it as peace "so far as it lies in us." Matthew 18:15-17 describes a process of correction within the church, as the Catena Aurea reads it.

Lewis Smedes wrote in Forgive and Forget (1984), "Forgiving is not forgetting." Everett Worthington's REACH model separates deciding to forgive from the slower change of feeling. The Catechism (2840) places forgiving others at the heart of prayer, and Maimonides, in Laws of Repentance 2:9, puts the work of making amends on the one who did wrong. A Reddit commenter in r/Christianity said it plainly: "Forgiveness and reconciliation are NOT the same thing." Forgiveness can take its own time, whatever you decide about contact.

Families in Scripture who parted, and brothers who met again

When their herdsmen kept quarreling, Abram said to Lot, "Please, let there be no strife between you and me," offered him the choice of land, and they separated (Genesis 13). Paul and Barnabas disagreed about taking John Mark, and "the contention grew so sharp that they separated from each other" (Acts 15:39). Much later Paul writes, "Take Mark, and bring him with you, for he is useful to me for service" (2 Timothy 4:11). Jonathan, after his father Saul threw a spear at him, left the table grieved, and he and David wept before parting (1 Samuel 20). John Mark's story follows him from the split to his return.

Jacob sent messengers ahead, prayed, and bowed seven times as he came near; Esau ran to meet him and kissed him. Then Jacob declined Esau's escort, and they lived apart, Esau in Seir and Jacob at Succoth (Genesis 32 and 33). Joseph first spoke roughly to the brothers who sold him and tested them, heard them name what they had done, and only then made himself known, weeping (Genesis 42 and 45). Jacob's fear and Genesis 50 are read elsewhere.

Jesus and his own family

Some readers are estranged over faith, a marriage or who they are. In Mark 3:21, those close to Jesus "went out to seize him," saying, "He is insane." When his mother and brothers stood outside, he said, "whoever does the will of God, the same is my brother, and my sister, and mother." John 7:5 adds, "even his brothers didn’t believe in him." On Reddit's r/Exvangelical, one person under family pressure over a relationship wrote, "if our relationship ends because of pressure from my family, I will resent them even more than I do now."

If you are the parent

Coleman's parents often describe not knowing why, or knowing only part of it. Psalm 34:18 is for your broken heart as much as your child's. Many parents know Luke 15, a parable Jesus tells when Pharisees and scribes grumble that he eats with sinners, and it is read for feeling left out. If your situation involves harm from an adult child, Hourglass, the UK helpline for older people facing abuse, is on 0808 808 8141.

Holidays, funerals, and a parent who is dying

In Hidden Voices, a UK online survey, 90 percent of respondents found the holiday season challenging and 79 percent found the death of a family member or a funeral challenging. If your estranged father or mother is dying or has died, whether to go, write or stay away is your decision, made with your safety in mind. Psalm 27:10 is read for a father who was hard to love. Stand Alone, the UK charity for people affected by estrangement, is a place to talk to people who know it.

If there was abuse

In the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is on 1-800-799-7233. In Canada, ShelterSafe lists shelters. In the United Kingdom, Refuge's National Domestic Abuse Helpline is on 0808 2000 247, and NAPAC, for adults abused as children, is on 0808 801 0331. In Ireland, Women's Aid is on 1800 341 900. In Australia, 1800RESPECT is on 1800 737 732.

Where to go next

If this has turned into thoughts of ending your life, please reach a person tonight. In the United States, call or text 988 for the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. In Canada, call or text 9-8-8. In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans is on 116 123. In Australia, Lifeline is 13 11 14. Anywhere else, Find A Helpline lists lines by country.

On the next date that used to be a family day, read Psalm 34:18 with the verses around it. Or describe what you carry in your own words, and Bible Nudge can suggest one passage and what surrounds it. Find a passage.