How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You: What the Bible Says, What Psychologists Separate, and Psalm 34:18 for the Hurt

Psalm 34:18, for the hurt

The passage Bible Nudge offers for grief:

Yahweh is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit.

Psalm 34 is a song of praise formed in hardship. Verse 17 says the righteous cry and Yahweh hears, and verse 19 says Yahweh delivers them out of their afflictions, and the psalm gives no timescale. What verse 18 gives is words for a broken heart that name nearness without asking anything of you first, and a reading that does not hurry. You can read Psalm 34:18 with the verses around it. The question the passage holds is: What would it mean to let nearness, rather than explanation, be enough today? You might read it once tonight, aloud, and stop there.

Nothing to decide tonight.

What psychologists and health bodies mean

The American Psychological Association defines forgiveness as "Willfully putting aside feelings of resentment toward an individual who has committed a wrong," and says "Forgiveness is not equated with reconciliation or excusing another." The Mayo Clinic page, published in January 2026, says "Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. It also doesn't necessarily mean making up with the person who caused the harm," and adds that reconciliation may be impossible or unsafe, including where there is abuse. The Greater Good Science Center describes forgiveness as "a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance," and separates it from reconciliation and from legal accountability.

Everett Worthington (Forgiving and Reconciling, 2003) treats forgiveness, reconciliation and trust as related but separate; trust is an expectation about someone's future conduct, and it can stay absent after you forgive. Janis Abrahms Spring (How Can I Forgive You?, 2004) allows release of resentment without restoring the relationship. Judith Herman (Trauma and Recovery, 1992) describes pressure to forgive as potentially harmful when it skips acknowledgment, safety and mourning. Authors differ on whether warm feelings toward the person belong to forgiveness itself, and none makes the end of pain a required sign. The APA's 2017 Monitor piece, Toussaint, Worthington and Williams (2015) and Lundahl and colleagues' 2008 meta-analysis report associations between forgiving and wellbeing, with modest effects, but they do not show that forgiving is necessary for healing or that leftover pain is a failure.

What the Bible says, in its setting

In Matthew 18:21-35, Peter asks how often to forgive, and the answer is "seventy times seven" in the WEB and KJV (some translations read "seventy-seven times"). That echoes Lamech's boast of "seventy-seven times" vengeance in Genesis 4:23-24. The parable sets a debt of ten thousand talents beside one of a hundred denarii, and verse 35, "if you don't each forgive your brother from your hearts," is spoken to disciples about one another. Traditions read that condition differently. The Catechism of the Catholic Church (2843 and 2845) says "It is not in our power not to feel or to forget an offense" and that "There is no limit or measure to this essentially divine forgiveness." The Orthodox Church in America's Forgiveness Sunday reflection says "We freely forgive others, no matter who comes asking." The Westminster Confession says those who were offended, once repentance is declared, "are thereupon to be reconciled to him." Evangelical sources differ among themselves.

The texts also pull in different directions. Luke 17:3-4 says "If he repents, forgive him," while Mark 11:25 and Ephesians 4:31-32 do not name the other person's repentance. Luke 23:34 has Jesus saying "Father, forgive them," though some early manuscripts leave that sentence out, and in Acts 7:59-60 Stephen prays "don't hold this sin against them." These are people who forgave in the hardest moment, recorded without any instruction to do the same on a timetable. Nothing in them tells a hurt person to go back, stay or trust.

The wronged person, and God's justice

Jewish teaching puts the weight on the one who did harm. Mishnah Yoma 8:9 teaches that Yom Kippur does not atone for wrongs between people until the injured person is appeased, and Maimonides draws the same line in Laws of Repentance 2:10. Danya Ruttenberg's On Repentance and Repair (2022) describes repentance as acknowledgment, change, restitution, apology and accepting consequences, with no duty on the harmed person to restore access or trust; the URJ discussion guide is a place to start. If your person never said sorry, has died or denies it, forgiving inside does not need a reply.

Romans 12:17-21 says "Don't seek revenge yourselves, beloved, but give place to God's wrath." Psalms 109 and 137 are angry prayers inside the Bible, which gives you permission to pray anger in words already written; Jewish readings place that judgment before God rather than permitting private retaliation. Scripture also records leaving: Proverbs 22:24-25 says "don't associate with one who harbors anger," and Matthew 10:14 says "shake the dust off your feet." Those describe leaving; they are not instructions. If your hardest forgiving is of yourself, forgiving yourself is for you.

Room to step outside for a while.

In people's own words

On Reddit's r/AskReddit, in a thread posted in November 2025, one person wrote, "I did not forgive. I tried for a while, but it was causing more damage to myself than not so I walked away and don’t talk to that person anymore." On Reddit's r/AskWomen, in a thread posted in 2025, one wrote, "I simply realized one day that I had forgiven someone who hurt me, and I honestly don't think there was anything I could have done to make that forgiveness happen any earlier." Another wrote, "The ‘you have to forgive to heal’ thing always felt like gaslighting to me." And on Reddit's r/EstrangedAdultKids, in a 2026 thread: "I just need different words right now, forgive & forgiveness don't work for me at the moment."

Being told you have to forgive to heal, "just let it go," or being handed a verse tends to land badly. In the site's own words, these land better: "You do not have to decide today." "Whatever you decide, I am on your side." "Forgiving and going back are two different things, and the second is yours to decide."

For a friend, pastor or counselor

Send the Mayo Clinic page above, the Psalm 34:18 reading, and one line: "I am not asking you to forgive. I am here, and you do not have to carry this alone tonight." Ask what the person would like from you rather than recommending forgiveness. Never tell anybody to stay silent about abuse. For estranged family, see that page.

Where to go next

If you were or are being abused, in the United States call the National Domestic Violence Hotline on 1-800-799-7233, RAINN on 800-656-4673 (text HOPE to 64673), or Childhelp on 1-800-422-4453. In Canada, the Assaulted Women's Helpline is 1-866-863-0511 (text #7233) and Kids Help Phone is 1-800-668-6868. In the United Kingdom, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 0808 2000 247, Rape Crisis England and Wales is online, and the NSPCC is 0808 800 5000. In Ireland, Women's Aid is 1800 341 900, with One in Four and Rape Crisis Network Ireland. In Australia, 1800RESPECT is 1800 737 732 and Blue Knot is 1300 657 380.

If this has turned into thoughts of ending your life, please reach a person tonight. In the United States, call or text 988 for the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. In Canada, call or text 9-8-8. In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans is on 116 123. In Australia, Lifeline is 13 11 14. Anywhere else, Find A Helpline lists lines by country, and a local emergency number or a national domestic-violence service is the first call.

Your next step: read Psalm 34:18 once tonight, and tell one person you trust what has been hard, with no decision about forgiving required.

Bible Nudge gives a person one passage with the story around it, and Find a passage is where to start.