Christmas is hard when you are grieving because the season is built on gatherings, traditions, music and the expectation of joy, and every one of them now has an empty place in it. That is true of a first Christmas, a second, and one many years after. There is no single right way to spend it. People keep Christmas, change parts of it, or set it aside, and all three are ordinary things to do.
If you are reading this late on a phone, with the decorations already up in the shops, you do not have to decide anything tonight. What follows are the reasons the season weighs so much, what bereavement charities suggest, how other people have spent the day, services made for people who find Christmas hard, and words for a card if you are the one writing to somebody grieving.
If you only have a minute
Why it hurts
The season is made of gatherings, music and tradition, and each one now holds an empty place.
No right way
Keeping, changing or skipping parts of Christmas are all things grieving people do.
One decision
Choose one thing about Christmas Day now, and tell one person.
A place to go
Longest Night and Blue Christmas services are held for people who find the season hard.
For a card
Say the name of the person who died, and make one specific offer.
Why is Christmas so hard when you are grieving?
Cruse Bereavement Support names what can bring grief up at this time of year: traditions, memories, family expectations, social pressure, decorations, music and television, and the weeks before and after Christmas Day. It says "no emotion is wrong," and it records that some people feel guilt when they enjoy a moment. Sue Ryder says the first Christmas brings a series of "firsts," and it names the pressure to celebrate, the music in shops, the cards and the television.
Marie Curie writes of "an empty chair," and says Christmas can stay hard even when the death was some time ago. The Hospice Foundation of America says there is "no right or wrong way to grieve," and that a gathering can sharpen grief for one person and ease it for another. In Sue Ryder's own survey of people with a close bereavement, 49 percent said part of them felt missing at gatherings, and 34 percent said they felt lonelier than ever over Christmas.
Two people said it on Reddit in their own words. On r/widowers, one wrote "This will be my (39f) first Christmas without my husband of 20 years." On r/GriefSupport, another posted "It’s just my first Christmas without my dad and I don’t know how to do this."
Some tables carry an empty place all year, and December makes it easier to see.
Who can you talk to this Christmas?
Many organizations do this work, and most of them have material for the season on their own sites. Here is where to start, by country.
- United Kingdom: Cruse Bereavement Support, Sue Ryder and Marie Curie.
- United States: GriefShare, which runs Christian grief groups, mainly in the United States; the Hospice Foundation of America; and The Dougy Center, for children and families.
- Australia: Grief Australia.
- Canada: Canadian Virtual Hospice.
- Spain: the Fundación Mario Losantos del Campo.
If your child has died, The Compassionate Friends supports families after the death of a child. If your loss is a baby, in pregnancy or at birth, Sands in the United Kingdom, and Star Legacy Foundation and Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support in the United States each describe this grief as its own and ongoing.
What are the three C's of holiday grief?
The version with a traceable origin is Kenneth J. Doka's, published by the Hospice Foundation of America on December 12, 2014, and developed from a 2012 collection of articles he edited. It has three words, and each is a small task.
Choose. Decide which activities, people and traditions to include. The examples are lighting a candle, placing a memento on the tree, holding a silence or making a toast. Communicate. Explain those choices to the people they affect, especially where family members grieve differently. Compromise. Recognize that family members need different things.
The Hospice Foundation gives an example of a family split over whether a tree honored a child who died or disrespected him. They settled on a smaller tree in another room, with everyone free to join in or not. Kettering Health uses a later version, choose, connect, communicate, where connecting means resisting isolation.
How do people spend Christmas when they are grieving?
These are the ways people describe, side by side, with no ranking. Cruse records people who keep their traditions, people who make a ritual of remembrance with a candle, a photograph, an ornament or a card to the person who died, and people who set Christmas aside or spend it volunteering. It adds that families may disagree and do best talking it through.
Sue Ryder gathers what people did: a small tree, a wreath, a paper chain of memories, a candle, a donation, an empty place at the table, a toast, a decorated headstone, and an object standing for the person in the family photograph. It also publishes accounts of people who spent the day alone, treated it as an ordinary day, or stopped sending cards because signing one name was too painful. The Dougy Center says children may want something different from the adults, and that a family can keep, change or start traditions.
On Reddit's r/GriefSupport, one person wrote "I wish I could skip the day all together." Another, in the same community, described the opposite: "The first Christmas after she died I hosted a full family dinner, went balls to the wall with decorations indoor and out." A third, also posting on r/GriefSupport on Reddit, described a middle way: "There are young nephews and a niece in the mix so I’m focusing on the kid magic of the holiday and just surviving the rest."
Guilt over a good moment comes up often. In Spain, the newspaper La Vanguardia quoted the psychologist Dany Blázquez in December 2024, in our translation from Spanish: guilt "is the materialization of the fear of moving forward." In a 2019 piece, it quoted Inma Ferrer saying that Christmas is a time full of memories and emotions in which joy and longing are hard to hold together. The same paper says the Christmas meal and January 6, the Day of the Kings, can be especially hard after the death of a child.
One idea of our own, if the day feels like too much to negotiate: make one decision for Christmas Day now. It might be where you will be in the evening, or whether to set out the stockings. Then tell one person, so the day does not have to be worked out at the table.
Is the first Christmas the hardest, and how long does grief last?
Cruse says Christmas can be hard in the first year, the second, or many years later. Sue Ryder sets the first Christmas among the first anniversaries of the year after a death, says people have good and bad days, and warns against expecting to feel a certain way by a certain point. A 2014 study of older bereaved spouses looked at birthdays, holidays and anniversaries, and reported that reactions varied with the time since the death, the kind of death and each person's circumstances.
On Reddit, one person on r/widowers described a calendar that did not fit the usual first-year story: "Last Christmas was my first one without him, he died in early January so the whole holiday season is tough." Another, on r/GriefSupport, wrote "My husband died two years ago, and it’s still so hard because he loved Christmas."
Kübler-Ross's five stages were first written about people facing their own terminal illness. Grief researchers including George Bonanno, Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, and Robert Neimeyer describe grief as something other than a fixed track. Stroebe and Schut's dual process model has a person moving back and forth between the loss and the rest of life. The post on how long to grieve according to the Bible reads that model alongside the days the Bible records, and the anniversary of a death covers the second year.
If you keep thinking about the person who died, La Vanguardia's experts describe naming and remembering the person as part of a family's conversation at Christmas. If the person you are grieving is still alive, such as an estranged son or daughter, or a parent with dementia, Pauline Boss calls it ambiguous loss: a loss that stays unclear and has no closure.
Would you be welcome at a Longest Night or Blue Christmas service?
Yes, if the examples below are a guide. These services are held for people who find Christmas hard, and several of the pages say so in their own words. The Church of England and the Methodist Church in Britain both say the service came from the United States, and the Methodist Church says the name Blue Christmas comes from the Elvis Presley song. Many hold it close to December 21, the longest night of the year in the northern hemisphere.
Here is what a reader can find in December 2026. Each church's own page has the hour and says whether to book.
- A Longest Night Service at St Martin's, Knowle, Bristol, on December 21 at 6 p.m.
- A service of music and reflection at St Edmundsbury Cathedral, on December 20 at 5 p.m. Its page says "All are welcome."
- Blue Christmas worship at Resurrection Lutheran Church in Oro Valley, Arizona, on December 20 at 4 p.m., which welcomes grief, loneliness, uncertainty and doubt.
- Blue Christmas at Capitol Hill United Methodist Church, on Monday, December 21.
- A Service of the Longest Night at the Saint Meinrad Guest House Chapel in Indiana, on December 19 at 6 p.m., with readings, a homily, a blessing and a reception. It is open to the public, RSVP is requested but not required, and it is recorded for later.
The Scottish Episcopal Diocese of Edinburgh describes Longest Night as held on December 21 for grief and loss of every kind, not only bereavement. West Concord Union Church, a non-denominational church, describes its service as a space for lament. Candles, silence, readings, music and prayer recur across them, and some read the names of the dead. The post on what Advent is introduces these services in its December section.
Traditions differ on praying for the dead, and the services reflect that. The Catholic Catechism says "From the beginning, the Church has honored the memory of the dead and offered prayers in suffrage for them" (paragraph 1032). Orthodox parishes keep memorial prayers, and Anglican and Lutheran practice varies by congregation. If you have no settled faith, you can ask the church before you go what the evening involves.
Candles and silence recur across these services.
What do you write in a Christmas card to somebody who is grieving?
Sue Ryder publishes three lines for a card, each quoted here as written: "Sending you love." "Remembering [the name of the person who has died] as we [specific shared activity]." And "If things get too much, I’m only a phone call away." It says a message can tell the person no reply is needed, and that an invitation can come with the words that saying no, or leaving early, is understood. Cruse supports naming the person who died and remembering what you shared.
For the messages people find hardest to write, here is wording of our own.
Hover or tap a row to highlight it. Sort by a column heading; a third click puts the rows back in their original order.
| A first Christmas | "I know this is your first Christmas without [name]. I am thinking of you both, and I will call the day after Christmas." |
| A bereaved parent | "I am remembering [child's name] with you this Christmas." |
| A baby lost in pregnancy or at birth | "Thinking of you and your baby this Christmas. [Name] is remembered." |
| Somebody estranged, or whose parent has dementia | "I know Christmas is complicated this year. I am thinking of you, and you do not have to explain anything." |
For what to give, Cruse and Sue Ryder record people valuing candles, an ornament with the person's name, a photograph, or a donation in their name. What grieving people say helps comes down to a name said aloud and a specific offer. The post on what to say to someone who lost a loved one has general wording, and Bible verses for sympathy cards has verses for a card.
A short card sent early gives the person something to hold onto.
What lands hard at Christmas, and what to say instead?
Some things said kindly at Christmas land hard, and you may recognize one you have said yourself. Cruse names "I understand how you feel," "You’ll get over it," "Time heals" and "It is part of God’s plan" among the things to avoid. The Fundación Mario Losantos del Campo, writing in Spain about children's grief at Christmas, names "It is Christmas and we have to be happy" and "Let's enjoy these holidays", in our translation from Spanish. A person on Reddit's r/GriefSupport put the gap plainly: "Everyone I know is so happy for the holidays making plans with their families." They went on, "They look so ‘complete’ if that makes sense."
Psalm 30:5 can land the same way when it is read as a promise of a particular morning. It sits in a psalm of thanks after rescue, and Matthew Henry reads its night and morning as the psalmist's own experience.
For his anger is but for a moment. His favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may stay for the night, but joy comes in the morning.
Said to a person in the first week, that can sound like a date they have already missed. Said as a line from a psalm of thanks, it belongs to the one who wrote it.
Hover or tap a row to highlight it. Sort by a column heading; a third click puts the rows back in their original order.
| "It is Christmas, so we have to be happy." | "Come for as long as you like, and go whenever you need to. Nobody will ask why." |
| "Time heals." | "You can cry at the table. We would rather have you here as you are." |
| "It is part of God's plan." | "I know this Christmas is hard. Would you like company, or quiet?" |
| Psalm 30:5, sent as a promise of a particular morning | "I'm thinking of you today. I'll call after dinner, if that suits you." |
When a family is bereaved by suicide, leave out blame, any word like selfish, and any claim about where the person is now. The post on whether people who die by suicide go to heaven is for the reader who has that question. If the night turns to thoughts of ending a life, the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is there in the United States, and the closing section lists lines for other countries. What not to say to someone grieving has the "at least" test, which is a quick way to catch a line before you send it.
What does the Bible say about Christmas and losing someone?
The Christmas story has grief in it, and the texts keep it. Some of the people in it mourned, and the church calendar still remembers them. Here is what the passages record, and what they give: company in how heavy this can be.
Matthew tells of Herod killing the boys of Bethlehem who were two years old and under.
Then Herod, when he saw that he was mocked by the wise men, was exceedingly angry, and sent out, and killed all the male children who were in Bethlehem and in all the surrounding countryside, from two years old and under, according to the exact time which he had learned from the wise men.
Matthew then sets beside it Jeremiah's lament of Rachel grieving for her children.
Yahweh says: “A voice is heard in Ramah, lamentation and bitter weeping, Rachel weeping for her children. She refuses to be comforted for her children, because they are no more.”
In Jeremiah, this lament stands in a chapter about return from exile, and the next two verses carry words about return and a future for the children.
16 Yahweh says: “Refrain your voice from weeping, and your eyes from tears; for your work will be rewarded,” says Yahweh. “They will come again from the land of the enemy. 17 There is hope for your latter end,” says Yahweh. “Your children will come again to their own territory.
Sefaria's commentaries read Rachel as a mother of Israel within that story of exile and return, and Matthew Henry reads her weeping as fitting the mothers of Bethlehem. You can read Jeremiah 31:15 with the verses around it. The Catholic and Anglican calendars keep the Holy Innocents on December 28, and the Orthodox Church in America on December 29.
Luke gives two more people who grieved. When Jesus is brought to the temple, Simeon tells Mary that grief will reach her own soul.
34 and Simeon blessed them, and said to Mary, his mother, “Behold, this child is set for the falling and the rising of many in Israel, and for a sign which is spoken against. 35 Yes, a sword will pierce through your own soul, that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed.”
Catholic writers read those words as Mary sharing the suffering of her son's mission, and Protestant writers as a prophecy of opposition and sorrow. Then comes Anna, a widow of many years, who gives thanks and speaks of the child.
36 There was one Anna, a prophetess, the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Asher (she was of a great age, having lived with a husband seven years from her virginity, 37 and she had been a widow for about eighty-four years), who didn’t depart from the temple, worshiping with fastings and petitions night and day. 38 Coming up at that very hour, she gave thanks to the Lord, and spoke of him to all those who were looking for redemption in Jerusalem.
Isaiah spoke light to people in darkness in Zebulun and Naphtali, under Assyrian pressure.
1 But there shall be no more gloom for her who was in anguish. In the former time, he brought into contempt the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali; but in the latter time he has made it glorious, by the way of the sea, beyond the Jordan, Galilee of the nations. 2 The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light. Those who lived in the land of the shadow of death, on them the light has shined.
Matthew 4:12-16 carries those words into Jesus's work in Galilee. Isaiah 9:6-7 is the reading many Christmas services print, read in Jewish tradition within Israel's history and in Christian worship as pointing to Christ. Longest Night orders of service commonly include John 1:5 as well.
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness hasn’t overcome it.
None of these passages is offered as a reason for anybody's death. They record people who mourned, in the middle of the story many families retell at Christmas.
The passage Bible Nudge offers for grief is optional reading, and it is short. Psalm 34 is a song of praise formed in hardship, and Psalm 34:18 is its center for a reader in mourning:
Yahweh is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit.
The psalm names rescue in verses 17 and 19, and gives no timescale for it. Verse 18 is in the present tense: nearness for a heart that is broken now, in December. If you want one question to carry into the evening, it is this one: What would it mean to let nearness, rather than explanation, be enough today?
Questions people ask
Should I put up the tree? Either answer is something grieving people do. Sue Ryder records small versions, such as a small tree, a wreath or a paper chain of memories, and the Hospice Foundation's family settled on a smaller tree in another room that everyone could join or skip.
Is it wrong to enjoy part of Christmas? Cruse records that some people feel guilt when they enjoy a moment, and the Hospice Foundation says a gathering can ease grief for one person while it sharpens it for another. An enjoyable hour and a continuing loss can sit side by side.
How early can I send a card? Sue Ryder, Cruse and Marie Curie all support a message that names the person and the absence, and Marie Curie's does not ask for a cheerful one. A short note early in December gives the person time to reply or not.
Where to go next
If this Christmas feels too heavy tonight, decide one thing about Christmas Day and tell one person, or write one card with the name of the person who died in it. That is enough for one night.
If the night gets to be more than you can carry, please reach a person. In the United States, the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is open: call 988, text 988, or chat. In Spanish, use the Spanish-language page, pressing 2 when you call or texting AYUDA to 988. In Canada, call or text 9-8-8 through 988.ca. In the United Kingdom and Ireland, Samaritans is on 116 123. In Australia, Lifeline is on 13 11 14, or text 0477 131 114. Everywhere else, including Spain, Mexico, Argentina and Colombia, Find A Helpline lists services by country.
If you would like a passage for the evening, Bible Nudge can take a few lines in your own words and come back with one passage and the verses around it. Find a passage.
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Words that come up here
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Longest Night. A church service held near December 21, the longest night of the year in the northern hemisphere, for people whose grief, loss or loneliness makes Christmas hard.