How Long Should You Grieve, According to the Bible? The Days It Records, the Days Families Keep, and Your Own

Psalm 34:18, as much yours now as in the first week

The passage Bible Nudge offers for grief:

17 The righteous cry, and Yahweh hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles. 18 Yahweh is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit. 19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but Yahweh delivers him out of them all.

Between the rescue in verses 17 and 19 comes nearness, in the present tense. A present-tense verse reads the same on any day, so in month ten or year three it is as much yours as in the first week. Tonight, read verses 17 to 19 of Psalm 34 once, then verse 18 alone, and stay with this question: "What would it mean to let nearness, rather than explanation, be enough today?"

The days the Bible records

Each number belongs to one death.

That is a nation keeping thirty days for its leaders, a household and a foreign court keeping theirs for a father, and a father whose days the text leaves uncounted. Three also appear in what the Bible says about grief.

Some things stay where they were left.

The days families keep

My Jewish Learning describes shiva, the first seven days after burial; sheloshim, thirty days from the funeral; eleven months of the Mourner's Kaddish for a parent; and yahrzeit, the anniversary. The Talmud, in rabbinic teaching at Moed Katan 27b, sets out "Three days for weeping, and seven for eulogizing," with thirty days for further customs.

The Orthodox Church in America says a Panikhida, a memorial service of prayer for the departed, is generally celebrated on the third, ninth and fortieth days and on the anniversary. The Catholic Catechism (1687) names the anniversary and "the seventh or fortieth day after death" as occasions that "should lead" the faithful toward the risen Christ, and the Directory on Popular Piety names Masses on the third, seventh and thirtieth days.

These days give a family set times to gather, pray and be visited, so nobody marks them alone. One commenter on Reddit's r/TrueChristian wrote, "We have 7 days to grieve for anyone." A reply on Reddit's r/AskAPriest read, "In the Catholic Church, there is no specified length for mourning." Seven is shiva's number, and the anniversary of a death covers yahrzeit and the anniversary Mass.

Samuel, mourning a king who was still alive

The one verse with "how long" and "mourn" side by side is 1 Samuel 16:1, and Saul is alive, rejected as king. "Samuel came no more to see Saul until the day of his death; for Samuel mourned for Saul" (1 Samuel 15:35). Then: "How long will you mourn for Saul, since I have rejected him from being king over Israel? Fill your horn with oil, and go." Matthew Henry, a Reformed commentator, writes that God "does not blame him for mourning on that occasion." If you grieve somebody still living, estranged or lost another way, Samuel's mourning is recorded here too.

David, who grieved two sons two ways

While his infant son was ill, David fasted and lay on the ground. When the child died, he "arose from the earth, and washed," worshiped, and ate. His servants asked, "What is this that you have done?" He answered, "Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me" (2 Samuel 12:20-23), read in the loss of a child. If you went back to work within days, or cried less than you expected, David was asked the same thing. A 2004 study by George Bonanno and colleagues of widowed older adults described five patterns, from common and chronic grief to resilience.

Years later Absalom died in a battle David's army had won. The king cried, "My son Absalom, Absalom, my son, my son!" Joab told him, "Today you have shamed the faces of all your servants, who today have saved your life." Then "the king arose, and sat in the gate" (2 Samuel 19:4-8). If you have been told to pull yourself together, here grief and duty share one gate on one day.

Isaac, comforted in his mother's tent

After Sarah died, when Isaac brought Rebekah into her tent, "Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death" (Genesis 24:67). The comfort comes through a person, and the time between is left uncounted. The death of a mother reads that verse.

The ordinary things carry on.

What grief over months and years is like

What's Your Grief, a US support site, separates acute grief, which "dominates a person's life," from integrated grief, where "Grief finds a place in their life." SAMHSA, the US mental health agency, says "there is no specific time frame for how long people grieve," and that for many the most intense feelings "will lessen gradually," often in waves.

Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut's dual process model describes a "regulatory coping process of oscillation": toward the loss, toward the rest of life, and back. On Reddit's r/NoStupidQuestions, someone wrote, "IMO mourning goes on forever- it just recedes over time and no longer dominates your day-to-day thinking." Grief and healing reads the five stages, and grief that comes back months later the wave in month eight.

If you have been told to move on

One person on Reddit's r/GriefSupport described somebody who "said I should move on" and "called me weird for holding onto his clothes." Another Reddit user there wrote, "And no you don’t “get over” grief in five months!"

If 1 Thessalonians 4:13 has been quoted at you, whole it reads, "so that you don’t grieve like the rest, who have no hope": grief carried with hope, read in full in what the Bible says about grief. The site's suggestion for something to say back, in your own words: "I'm still grieving, and I'd rather you asked me about them." For the friend reading: what not to say to someone grieving.

If your leave was three days

In Great Britain, Jack's Law gives employed parents whose child dies under 18, or who have a stillbirth from 24 weeks, two weeks of leave, usable within 56 weeks, Acas says. The United States has no federal bereavement leave; employers set their own. The days you were given are a fact about the job.

When grief is stopping daily life

Two manuals set diagnostic thresholds for prolonged grief disorder. The World Health Organization's ICD-11 names "more than 6 months at a minimum," with impaired functioning and grief that "clearly exceeds expected social, cultural or religious norms for the individual’s culture and context." The American Psychiatric Association's DSM-5-TR uses at least 12 months for adults, with the same weight on religious norms. Both measure grief against your own faith and culture, which is where the days above come in. One person on Reddit's r/widowers wrote, "I was diagnosed with prolonged grief disorder and I feel it’s been an extremely accurate and helpful diagnosis for me" for getting mental health care.

The NHS in the UK says to see a GP if you are struggling to cope with a low mood or have symptoms of prolonged grief disorder. Elsewhere, see your own doctor, and a pastor, priest or rabbi. Bereavement support: Cruse, 0808 808 1677, in England, Wales and Northern Ireland; the Irish Hospice Foundation line, 1800 80 70 77, in Ireland; Griefline, 1300 845 745, in Australia.

Questions people ask

Is it a sin to grieve a long time? A Latter-day Saint manual says, "Some may grieve quickly and others may take a long time. There is no correct way to grieve." Psalm 34:18 is the verse this site offers.

What about "a time to mourn"? Ecclesiastes 3 is the Teacher's poem of seasons: "a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance."

Is a year the rule? The year comes from Jewish mourning for a parent, the first anniversary, or the DSM-5-TR threshold.

What if they died by suicide? See the section on a brother who died by suicide.

Where to go next

If grief has turned into thoughts of ending your life, please reach a person tonight. In the United States, call or text 988. In Canada, call or text 9-8-8. In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans is on 116 123; in Ireland, Pieta is on 1800 247 247. In Australia, Lifeline is 13 11 14. Anywhere else, Find A Helpline lists services by country.

Tonight, read Psalm 34:18 with the verses around it and say their name aloud. Bible Nudge can take a line about what you carry and return one passage. Find a passage.