The news often arrives in a text, and the first worry is making it worse. A guest writer on Tommy's, the UK pregnancy charity, put it exactly: "I was desperately afraid of saying the wrong thing, of making it worse, of reaching for a cliché." Tommy's says "Even saying ‘I don’t know what to say, I’m just so sorry’ will show you care," and the Miscarriage Association, another UK charity, says "Even if you don’t know someone very well, acknowledging their loss and saying how sorry you are can make a big difference."
The short version
Today
A few words that say sorry and ask nothing back.
Leave out
Any sentence that begins "at least".
A passage
Psalm 34:18, for the message or a card.
The partner
Grieving too; send them their own message.
Months from now
One line on the due date, if you know it.
Words you can send today
- "I am so sorry about your baby. Thinking of you both. No need to reply."
- "I'm so sorry. I'm here whenever you want to talk about it, and fine if you don't."
PAIL Network, in Ontario, says to use the family's own language for what happened, and the baby's name if they have shared one.
What people who miscarried say helped
On Reddit's r/Miscarriage, a commenter asked, "Whatever happened to “I’m so sorry this is happening, I’m here if you need me”? I’m not looking for advice or rationalization, just some support." Tommy's prints this account: "The text messages saying, ‘thinking of you’ and people actually acknowledging our loss and asking about it, rather than being too scared to cause upset and staying quiet helped."
Tommy's advises "don’t start a sentence with ‘at least’," and another commenter in that Reddit thread wrote that "it’s a dagger to the heart every time I hear “at least it was early”". There is more on why "at least" sentences land badly.
Something warm, with nothing asked in return.
Psalm 34:18, for a card or a message
Bible Nudge's passage for grief is Psalm 34:18, with the verse on either side:
17 The righteous cry, and Yahweh hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles. 18 Yahweh is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit. 19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but Yahweh delivers him out of them all.
Rescue is named on either side; verse 18 is nearness now, a broken heart named and the why left alone. Send it with one line of your own and both their names, and keep its question for yourself: "What would it mean to let nearness, rather than explanation, be enough today?"
It is common, and it lasts
ACOG, the US obstetricians' college, says early pregnancy loss "happens in about 10 of 100 known pregnancies." A 2021 Lancet review by Siobhan Quenby and colleagues estimates 23 million miscarriages a year worldwide, about 15 percent of recognized pregnancies. Following 537 women after miscarriage at London hospitals, Jessica Farren and colleagues found 29 percent met screening criteria for post-traumatic stress at one month and 16 percent at nine: "Distress declines over time but remains at clinically important levels at 9 months."
ACOG adds that "A lot of people feel they don’t have the right to mourn their loss, especially after a loss early in pregnancy," and Tommy's that grief is "no less real because they didn’t meet or hold their baby." Kenneth Doka's 1989 term, disenfranchised grief, names grief not "openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned or publicly mourned," and PAIL Network applies it to pregnancy loss.
Early, later, repeated, or private
After a later loss, one woman wrote on Reddit's r/Miscarriage, "This is not a tough blow this is the most traumatic experience of my life. I am not discouraged, I am shattered and broken."
If few people knew, who else hears is hers to decide. On Reddit's r/UKParenting, a woman remembered her own loss: "No one knew what to say and I didn’t really want to speak to anyone - but I was grateful for the friends who did message."
The partner is grieving too
PAIL Network says a partner's grief can run as deep as that of the person who carried the pregnancy: "Their experience needs to be recognized." In its Ontario survey, partners were a source of support for 82 percent of respondents, and the Miscarriage Association says partners can find it hard to support each other when their feelings differ. One partner's account on Sands, the UK baby-loss charity, says "You don’t need to fix things, and sometimes just saying I don't know how you feel but I feel for you is the right answer."
Bible Nudge's passage for caring for someone is Isaiah 40:11:
He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will gather the lambs in his arm, and carry them in his bosom.
The verse ends with a line about gently leading those who have their young, left off here because, days after a lost pregnancy, it can read as a line about what is missing. Its meaning stays, since the one carrying the lambs also handles gently whoever is responsible for them: "The one leading is also being led." Send the partner its question, and mean it: "Who is looking after you while you look after them?"
If you are pregnant, or have a young baby
Tommy's says friends who are pregnant or have children may be hard to be around for a while. Tell her your news privately, yourself, before anybody else does, and let her choose how much she sees you.
For a manager or colleague
In Australia, the Fair Work Ombudsman says eligible employees may have "compassionate leave (2 days per occasion for a miscarriage before 20 weeks)." In the United Kingdom, GOV.UK sets statutory maternity leave and pay from the 24th week of pregnancy. Elsewhere, check the employer's policy. For a colleague you barely know, the Miscarriage Association's line is enough: "acknowledging their loss and saying how sorry you are can make a big difference."
The due date and the dates after
PAIL Network's miscarriage booklet names "on your due date" among the times sadness, shock, guilt and anger can return. Baby Loss Awareness Week runs from 9 to 15 October in the United Kingdom, ending with the Wave of Light at 7pm on 15 October, which the United States and other places keep as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. If you know the due date, note it, and send one line that day.
Something left at the door asks nothing back.
What Hannah's husband said
In 1 Samuel 1, Hannah weeps and will not eat, and her husband Elkanah asks, "Hannah, why do you weep? Why don’t you eat? Why is your heart grieved? Am I not better to you than ten sons?" Matthew Henry, a Reformed commentator, reads it as meant to "comfort her": a husband who loved her, trying to reach her. There is more on Hannah at Shiloh, Rachel and Elizabeth.
The verses people are sent
A commenter in r/Miscarriage, on Reddit, was told "it was gods plan", and a mother in a story on Sands was told "it's God's will, it wasn't meant to be and it’s nature taking its course."
Psalm 139:13-16, "You knit me together in my mother’s womb," is David's prayer about being known by God before anyone else knew. Jeremiah 1:4-5 is Jeremiah's call as a prophet. Exodus 23:26 is covenant speech to Israel on the way to the land: the World English Bible has "No one will miscarry," the King James "There shall nothing cast their young," and the Hebrew verb, *shakal*, is glossed "to miscarry" and "bereave." Romans 8:28 sits in Paul's argument about suffering and prayer, Jeremiah 29:11 in a letter to exiles promising return after seventy years. For your message, Psalm 34:18 is enough.
If someone says it was a punishment
The US Catholic bishops' blessing after a miscarriage is "provided to assist the parents in their grief and console them with the blessing of God," and prays "Compassionate God, soothe the hearts of N. and N." The Orthodox Church in America's service after a miscarriage asks God to "heal and console His suffering servants"; a 2025 Saint Sophia Seminary Quarterly article says a newer Antiochian translation "does not contain any implication that the mother may have caused the death." ACOG says "In almost every case, the pregnancy loss is not your fault." There is a section for anyone told suffering is their fault. If she asks where the baby is, or why, her own pastor or priest can take that with her.
For the pastor
The Church of England's Common Worship speaks of a "growing recognition" of pastoral care after miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death, and a 2021 Ritualwell ritual for a miscarriage after IVF calls on the "God of Hannah, Sarah, Rachel, and Rebecca." A pastor can offer one by name, following the family's own faith.
When she, or the partner, needs more
If she is still miscarrying and something seems wrong, her own doctor, midwife or emergency number are the people to call. ACOG names signs worth taking to a doctor, among them "Feeling hopeless, worthless, or numb," "Flashbacks or nightmares," and "Thoughts of hurting yourself."
Pregnancy-loss support: in the United Kingdom, the Miscarriage Association, Tommy's support line on 0800 0147 800, and Sands; in Australia, Pink Elephants; in Ontario, Canada, PAIL Network; in the United States and elsewhere, Postpartum Support International.
If anyone is thinking of ending their life: call or text 988 in the United States (988 Lifeline) or 9-8-8 in Canada; Samaritans on 116 123 in the United Kingdom and Ireland; Lifeline on 13 11 14 in Australia; and Find A Helpline everywhere else.
Questions people ask
What if I still do not know what to say? An account on Tommy's answers it: "You don’t have to know what to say. We just ask that you be there for us, and let us talk about it if we need to."
Does a message matter if we are not close? Pink Elephants, in Australia, writes: "To acknowledge someone is to say: I see you."
Where to go next
Send one short message today, in her words for what happened. For a passage of your own, Bible Nudge takes a line in your words and returns one passage with the verses around it. Find a passage.
Words that come up here
Tap a term to see what it means.
Disenfranchised grief. Grief that is not openly acknowledged or publicly mourned.