The passages that tell a husband how to treat his wife are written to the husband. 1 Peter 3:7 asks him to live with her with understanding and to honor her, Colossians 3:19 tells him not to be bitter toward her, and Ephesians 5:25 asks for love that gives itself up. None of them asks a husband for harshness or bitterness.
The U.S. Catholic bishops' pastoral letter When I Call for Help says it plainly: "violence against women, inside or outside the home, is never justified."
If you are reading this because of how a husband treats you, the help lines come first, before any Scripture or advice. Abuse that leaves no mark counts, and what to do next is worth talking through with a trained person before anything else.
If you only have a minute
First
The help lines for your country are in the next section. In danger now, call the local emergency number.
To husbands
1 Peter 3:7, Ephesians 5:25 and Colossians 3:19 are written to him and ask for honor, understanding and love.
Without a mark
The Hotline, 1800RESPECT, Women's Aid and the WHO all describe abuse that never leaves a bruise.
Before you speak to him
Talk it through with the line for your country, and let them help with the plan.
For tonight
Psalm 56:3, said once under your breath.
Who to reach first
If you are in danger right now, call the local emergency number first: 911 in the United States, Mexico and Argentina, 112 in Spain, and 123 in Colombia. Find A Helpline lists services for everywhere else.
- United States: the National Domestic Violence Hotline, call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat on that page. Spanish-language help is available through the Hotline.
- United Kingdom: Refuge's National Domestic Abuse Helpline, call 0808 2000 247 or use live chat on that page; Women's Aid also has online support.
- Canada: the Government of Canada family-violence directory lists provincial and territorial services.
- Australia: 1800RESPECT, call 1800 737 732 or text 0458 737 732, with online chat and video call.
In Spain, the 016 line answers on 016. In Mexico, the Red Nacional de Refugios is the national network of shelters. In Argentina, Línea 144 answers on 144.
If you are worried about your phone, the Hotline says a partner may monitor devices, accounts, location and browsing history, and its internet-safety page explains what to look at. The Hotline's site and Refuge's both carry a quick-exit button, so you can leave the page fast.
A phone and a glass of water, ready for a quiet moment.
How should a husband treat his wife, according to the Bible?
The best-known verse is 1 Peter 3:7. The letter was written to believers who were a small minority, and it moves through household instructions: servants in 2:18-25, wives in 3:1-6, and then, in verse 7, husbands.
You husbands, in the same way, live with your wives according to knowledge, giving honor to the woman, as to the weaker vessel, as being also joint heirs of the grace of life; that your prayers may not be hindered.
Each key word is practical. The Greek behind "live with" is synoikeo, to dwell together, and kata gnosin means "according to knowledge," with the sense of understanding or informed consideration. Time, "honor," is value or respect. Sunkleronomos, "joint heirs," makes her a fellow heir of the same grace, and enkopto, "hindered," means to obstruct or interrupt. These are the meanings standard Greek lexicons give.
"Weaker vessel" is read in more than one way. Readers take it as physical strength, as social vulnerability, as the legal position of women in the ancient world, or as a recognition of difference, and some reject using it to call women inferior. The Bible Hub commentaries on the verse set the readings side by side.
Then there is the line people pass around: "If a man mistreats his wife, his prayers will be hindered." One person put it that way on Reddit's r/Christianmarriage, in a post with no date shown. Its root is the end of verse 7, and the warning is spoken to the husband, about the husband's own conduct toward her.
A wife who is married to a man who does not share her faith may have 1 Peter 3:1-2 quoted at her. Married to a non-believer reads those verses, and this page adds only what they leave out: verse 7 turns to the husband and asks something of him.
What does the Bible say about a husband who is harsh, or who does not love his wife?
Ephesians and Colossians both speak to husbands. Ephesians sets its instructions inside a wider appeal to mutual submission and the imitation of Christ, and Colossians places them among instructions to wives, husbands, children and fathers.
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the assembly, and gave himself up for it;
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
Husbands, love your wives, and don’t be bitter against them.
The Greek agapao is love shown through willing action for the other person's good. Pikraino, "be bitter," means to make bitter, to embitter or to treat harshly. So, the instruction to a husband is to give himself up for her good and to stop short of harshness, which is the opposite of a man who demands.
Christians read these passages differently, and the readings stand side by side. Complementarian readers, such as those at the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, keep an ordered household and say the husband's role is bounded by sacrificial love, nourishing, cherishing and the ban on bitterness. Egalitarian readers read the mutual submission of verse 21 into the household instructions and see domination ruled out. Catholic readers speak of mutual self-gift.
Bible verses for loneliness in marriage carries the Danvers Statement, Christians for Biblical Equality and the bishops' line on Ephesians 5:22, and those voices are left to it here.
What does God say about a harsh or cruel husband?
Malachi 2 is spoken to men of Judah who dealt treacherously with the wife of their youth.
13 This again you do: you cover Yahweh’s altar with tears, with weeping, and with sighing, because he doesn’t regard the offering any more, neither receives it with good will at your hand. 14 Yet you say, ‘Why?’ Because Yahweh has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion, and the wife of your covenant. 15 Did he not make you one, although he had the residue of the Spirit? Why one? He sought godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. 16 For I hate divorce”, says Yahweh, the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with violence!” says Yahweh of Armies. “Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you don’t deal treacherously.
The key Hebrew word is hamas, which Brown-Driver-Briggs glosses as violence, wrong, injustice or oppression. Translations differ over who hates in verse 16 and who covers his garment with violence, and Bible Gateway sets the ESV, NIV, NRSV and CSB side by side. Sefaria has the Hebrew with Jewish commentary, and Bible verses for healing after divorce reads the chapter with Rashi and Matthew Henry.
Psalm 11:5 speaks of the one who loves violence.
Yahweh examines the righteous, but the wicked and him who loves violence his soul hates.
Two more lists name what a church leader must be, and violence is not on them.
2 The overseer therefore must be without reproach, the husband of one wife, temperate, sensible, modest, hospitable, good at teaching; 3 not a drinker, not violent, not greedy for money, but gentle, not quarrelsome, not covetous;
For the overseer must be blameless, as God’s steward; not self-pleasing, not easily angered, not given to wine, not violent, not greedy for dishonest gain;
Complementarian and egalitarian commentators alike read these as setting violence against Christian leadership, and they differ on how directly the lists govern every husband. Readers who apply these passages to a home today do so through their themes of justice, faithfulness and protection of the vulnerable.
Whether to leave is a different question. Is divorce a sin takes it up with the teaching of several traditions.
Does it count if he has never hit me?
Yes. Named services treat abuse that leaves no mark as abuse, and each says so in its own words.
Hover or tap a row to highlight it. Sort by a column heading; a third click puts the rows back in their original order.
| 1800RESPECT | Australia | "Abuse doesn't have to involve hurt to your body, or physical violence, to be domestic or family violence." |
| The Hotline | United States | Domestic violence is "a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship." |
| The Hotline, on spiritual abuse | United States | Using "religious texts or beliefs to minimize or rationalize abusive behaviors." |
| Women's Aid | United Kingdom | "an incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour." |
| WHO | Worldwide | "any behaviour within an intimate relationship that causes physical, psychological or sexual harm to those in the relationship." |
In everyday words, the Hotline and the Duluth Power and Control Wheel describe controlling money, a bank account or a job; humiliation, insults, threats, isolation and monitoring; and making a person doubt her own memory. UK law names this too: the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 covers controlling or coercive behavior and economic abuse.
To tell a hard marriage from an abusive one, Darby Strickland (*Is It Abuse?*) and Leslie Vernick (*The Emotionally Destructive Marriage*) ask questions that are worth holding rather than scoring. Is one person afraid to disagree? Does one person control money or movement? Do apologies lead to changed conduct? Is honest disagreement allowed?
Love Is Respect describes a healthy relationship as equality, respect, trust, communication and freedom.
It is also common. The WHO's 2021 estimates put intimate-partner and sexual violence at nearly one in three women aged 15 and older worldwide, and the Office for National Statistics estimated 1.6 million women in England and Wales experienced domestic abuse in the year ending March 2024.
Keys and a coat, kept where they can be reached.
What should I do before I say anything to him, or leave?
Before any conversation with him, talk it through with the line for your country and let them help with the plan. That is the one practical step this page offers, and everything else here supports it.
The Hotline says safety planning is personal and covers immediate danger, children, documents, money, medication, transport and technology. The services describe risk as rising around separation, confrontation and a partner discovering an exit plan, and around threats, stalking, access to weapons, pregnancy and recent escalation.
On technology, Women's Aid warns that monitoring may continue after visible history is deleted, and the National Network to End Domestic Violence's Safety Net project covers accounts, passwords, location and shared plans. The 1800RESPECT text service includes a device-safety check and ends the conversation if you send STOP or X (1800RESPECT FAQ). In New York, Safe Horizon offers safety planning and referrals.
The law differs by country. This is what it is called and where to go:
Hover or tap a row to highlight it. Sort by a column heading; a third click puts the rows back in their original order.
| United States | Assault, stalking, harassment and threats are crimes under state law; protection orders come through state courts | Office on Violence Against Women; LawHelp.org for free legal information |
| England and Wales | The coercive-control offense and non-molestation orders | Citizens Advice |
| Scotland | Domestic Abuse (Scotland) Act 2018 | Citizens Advice |
| Canada | Criminal Code offences, peace bonds and provincial protection orders | The family-violence directory |
| Australia | State and territory domestic violence orders | Attorney-General's Department; Legal Aid in each state and territory |
| Spain | Organic Law 1/2004 and the orden de protección | Organic Law 1/2004; the 016 line |
| Mexico | The General Law on Women's Access to a Life Free of Violence and its órdenes de protección | The General Law |
| Argentina | Law 26.485 | Law 26.485 |
| Colombia | Law 1257 of 2008, through the police, the Fiscalía and the comisarías de familia | Ministry of Justice |
The Spanish terms you may meet are in the glossary at the end.
What do churches say about abuse in marriage?
Here they are in their own words, side by side and ranked by none. From When I Call for Help (first issued in 1992 and updated in 2002), religion can be "either a resource or a roadblock." The USCCB tells ministers to put "1. Safety for the victim and children; 2. Accountability for the abuser; and 3. Restoration of the relationship, if possible, or mourning over the loss of the relationship," and adds that "couple counseling is not appropriate and can endanger the victim's safety."
The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy says therapists should assess safety, coercion and violence before treating a couple together. The Catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraph 1649, recognizes that spouses may live apart when living together becomes impossible.
The Orthodox Church in America calls abuse that is not physically violent "an attack on the spirit, a violation of the person", and says in its marriage statement that headship is not to be read as support for abuse.
The Southern Baptist Convention's 2018 resolution On Abuse, an expression of opinion by its messengers, calls God's people "to defend the hurt and oppressed" and condemns "all forms of abuse." The Church of England says disclosures are not to be minimized or silenced.
In Jewish law, Maimonides, Laws of Marriage 21:10 and the Shulchan Aruch, Even HaEzer 154 take up a husband's duties and his harmful conduct, and Jewish Women International supports survivors.
Faith communities can be a support or a barrier. Nancy Nason-Clark's work on religion and intimate-partner violence ([The Battered Wife](https://global.oup.com/academic/product/the-battered-wife-9780195130391), 1997) describes a congregation as a support for a woman, and also a place where teaching on submission or forgiveness is heard as a call to endure.
If you are asking whether God wants you to stay in an unhappy marriage, your safety comes first in every one of these traditions. Is divorce a sin takes up the wider question with your own church's teaching.
A psalm for a frightened night
This part is optional. If you want words to pray, the passage Bible Nudge offers for fear is Psalm 56:3-4. Verse 3 begins by admitting the fear:
When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you.
Psalm 56 is David's prayer while in danger from enemies, and it moves between fear and trust. A few verses on, he speaks of people who "twist my words" and are "watching my steps." The first words admit the fear, and the rest is something to do while still afraid.
You might say verse 3 once, under your breath. Then hold one question: "What are you afraid of right now, if you say it plainly?"
Lines that land hard, and better ones
If you are a sister, mother, friend or pastor, some familiar lines send her back to the house alone. If you are the wife who has heard them, they have a history.
Hover or tap a row to highlight it. Sort by a column heading; a third click puts the rows back in their original order.
| "Just submit" and "won by the behavior of their wives without a word" | 1 Peter 3:1 was written to wives in a first-century household; put on a frightened woman, it silences her |
| "Your prayers will be hindered" | Spoken to husbands in 1 Peter 3:7, about his own conduct |
| "God hates divorce" | Malachi 2:16, translated more than one way, and the same verse names violence |
| "Pray for him and he will change" | Hope offered as a guarantee, which sends her back to wait |
| "Have you tried being a better wife?", "Is he under spiritual attack?", "Everyone has problems" | Each puts the weight back on her |
| Couples counseling | The USCCB says it is not appropriate where abuse is present |
Someone posted "pray for him and he will change" on Reddit's r/Christianity, in a post with no date shown, and the USCCB's guidance for ministers is different. It tells them to listen to and believe her, assess danger and refer her to specialized services.
These are better words, which are this site's own. "Are you safe right now?" "I believe you." "You don't have to decide anything tonight." "Would it help if I sat with you while you call the Hotline?"
If you are the husband asking about yourself, 1 Peter 3:7 is written to you. The USCCB letter asks for accountability and specialized help for a man who has been abusive. One idea, as this site's own suggestion, is to call the Hotline for your country and ask where that help is.
A quiet table, and time to read on your own terms.
Questions people ask
Does the Bible say a wife has to stay with a husband who mistreats her? No verse speaks of what we now call domestic violence. Commentators who apply the passages do so through justice, faithfulness and protection of the vulnerable, and the Catechism recognizes that spouses may live apart when living together becomes impossible. The USCCB and the Orthodox Church in America both say Scripture is not to be used to support abuse. Safety comes first in every tradition named above.
Can my husband use Ephesians 5 to make me stay? The USCCB says abusive men use Ephesians 5:22 out of context. The Hotline names this as spiritual abuse: using religious texts or beliefs to rationalize abusive behavior.
How do I help a sister or friend? Ask whether she is safe, believe her, and offer to sit with her while she calls a line for her country. Leave decisions about leaving or staying to her and the trained advisers.
What if I am a husband and I recognize myself here? 1 Peter 3:7 is addressed to you, and the USCCB letter asks for accountability and specialized help. Start with the Hotline for your country and ask where that help is.
Where to go next
For danger at home, one call, text or chat to the line for your country, from a safe phone, is the step for tonight.
- United States: the Hotline, 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat.
- United Kingdom: Refuge, 0808 2000 247.
- Australia: 1800RESPECT, 1800 737 732 or text 0458 737 732.
- Canada: the family-violence directory.
In Spain, call 016 on 016; in Mexico, the Red Nacional de Refugios; in Argentina, Línea 144 on 144. Wherever you are, the local emergency number comes first, and Find A Helpline covers the rest.
On a night when you are thinking of harming yourself, reach a person. In the United States, call 988, text 988 or chat with the 988 Lifeline; help in Spanish is available. In Canada, call or text 9-8-8. In the United Kingdom and Ireland, Samaritans is on 116 123. In Australia, Lifeline is on 13 11 14. Elsewhere, Find A Helpline.
Bible Nudge offers one passage with the verses around it. Find a passage.
Words that come up here
Tap a term to see what it means.
Violencia de género. Spanish for gender-based violence, the term used in Spain's Organic Law 1/2004.