If you were hurt by people you trusted, in a place that was meant to be safe, a Sunday, a hymn or a church bell can bring it back. Being hurt is not bitterness, and there is no right way to have come through it. Whether to forgive, stay, go back or leave is yours to decide, in your own time. Below are some words for what happened, and one passage of Scripture.
If you only have a minute
A passage to read
Psalm 34:18, written by someone who had fled a powerful man.
A psalm for a wound from a fellow worshiper
Psalm 55:12-14.
What people do next
Stay, move, rest, meet at home, or leave.
One small step
Tell one person you trust, or read Psalm 34:15-21 once and stop.
Psalm 34:18, and who wrote it
Here is the verse, in the World English Bible:
Yahweh is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit.
The psalm's heading ties it to a hard day in David's life. He had fled King Saul, grew very afraid of the king of Gath, changed his behavior and pretended to be insane, and was driven away (the story is in 1 Samuel 21:10-15). So, the verse about nearness comes from someone who had fled a powerful man. What it gives you is nearness, offered to people whose hearts feel broken, with no instruction about what to do next.
The verses on either side say that "The righteous cry, and Yahweh hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles" and that "Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but Yahweh delivers him out of them all." The psalm speaks of rescue without a timetable. A question to carry: What would it mean to let nearness, rather than explanation, be enough today? You can read Psalm 34:18 with the verses around it. The grief page reads the same verse for a death. Your hurt is not a death, and it keeps no schedule.
An ordinary Sunday object.
A psalm for a wound from someone you worshiped beside
Psalm 55 is a prayer of anguish. In verses 12 to 14, the speaker says it was not an enemy who did this, but "a man mine equal, my guide, and mine acquaintance" (King James Version):
We took sweet counsel together, and walked unto the house of God in company.
The psalm does not name the companion; some Christian commentators connect it with Ahithophel while noting that the text does not say so. Verses 15 and 23 record what the speaker wants for the wicked; they are the speaker's words only, and they are applied to no one here. What the psalm gives is recognition that being wounded by someone you worshiped beside is old enough to be sung. Bible verses for a broken heart reads it for friendship; this post keeps to the worship setting.
The words people use
"Church hurt" does not have one definition. The National Association of Evangelicals, in a 2024 article by Sheila Wise Rowe, calls it "the painful experiences of being exploited" in a local church, "where spiritual language or even Scripture may be leveraged to justify wrongdoing and protect offenders." Dr. Alison Cook writes that it stems from someone abusing their power, such as a church abandoning a divorced woman and telling a depressed person that depression proves a lack of faith. Church Answers, in a piece by Jacki C. King, uses the term more widely, for something said, a decision made or a lack of response that ends in a broken relationship or a decision to leave. The three use the phrase at different widths, and you do not have to pick one.
Some people also find the name spiritual abuse for part of what happened. The National Domestic Violence Hotline defines it as "the use of religion or spirituality to manipulate, shame, or control another person". That page speaks mainly from a domestic-abuse setting. It is one word available to you, if it fits.
What people do next
People describe many paths: staying in the same church, moving to another, resting from church for a season, meeting in a smaller group or at home, and leaving altogether. Alison Cook, Church Answers on recovering from a toxic church and TIME's 2015 piece all describe a range, and none ranks them. For scale, Pew's 2023-2024 study of 36,908 U.S. adults reports that 35% now hold a different religious identity from the one they were raised in. Moving and leaving are common.
Our own suggestions: a friend who listens without defending the church, a counselor outside the former church, time away from church language and settings, a smaller church or a home gathering, and being believed without being pressed to reconcile.
The verses you may have been handed
Several passages get handed to hurt people, and each reads differently in its setting.
- Hebrews 10:24-25 speaks to a community, encouraging its members to keep meeting. It names no modern congregation.
- Matthew 18:15-22 speaks to disciples about conflict, and then about forgiving again and again.
- Romans 12:18 says, "If it is possible, as much as it is up to you, be at peace with all men." The qualifying words are part of the sentence.
- Ephesians 4:31-32 and Hebrews 13:17 speak of kindness and forgiveness among believers, and of leaders who "watch on behalf of your souls."
- "Touch not the Lord's anointed" blends two texts. In 1 Samuel 24:6, David refuses to harm Saul while Saul is hunting him. Psalm 105:15 is a poem about God's protection of patriarchs and prophets.
Catholic, Orthodox, Reformed, evangelical and mainline traditions all read these texts, and they do not read them the same way. The Church of England's safeguarding pages separate forgiveness, reconciliation, accountability and reporting.
Shepherds who fell short
Scripture also records leaders who failed. Ezekiel 34:1-16 describes shepherds who fed themselves rather than the flock, and God's stated intention to seek, gather and feed the scattered sheep. Jeremiah 23:1-4 describes shepherds who scattered the flock and a promise to gather the remnant. Matthew 23 records Jesus criticizing particular leaders and practices inside the first-century Jewish community; it is not a statement about Jewish people, Judaism or any group today. None is applied to any present-day church.
Some Sundays are spent in the car.
What can land badly, and what can land better
Phrases like "forgive and move on," "you're just bitter," "you are offended," "touch not the Lord's anointed," "everything happens for a reason" and "you need to go back" can land hard on someone who has been hurt by a church. You deserve not to hear them again.
For a friend or relative, some lines of our own: "That sounds like it cost you a lot." "I'm not going to tell you what to do about church." "You don't have to decide anything tonight." "I believe you." If you want words for family who still attend, our suggestion is to say what you need, which is to not be pushed either way, and to ask for it once, calmly.
If the hurt involved abuse
In the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (also linked from Bible verses for loneliness in marriage) and RAINN. In the United Kingdom, Thirtyone:eight, Safe Spaces and, where a child is involved, the NSPCC. In Ireland, Tusla where a child is involved and An Garda Síochána for criminal concerns. In Australia, the Blue Knot Helpline, 1800RESPECT and the National Redress Scheme. In Canada there is no single national church-abuse body, so ask the police or your province or territory's child-protection or sexual-assault services. The Vatican's reporting procedures apply inside the Catholic Church and do not replace civil services.
Counselor directories: Psychology Today, BACP in the UK, the APA Psychologist Locator for the U.S. and Canada, AHPRA in Australia, and the Secular Therapy Project.
Where to go next
If it is a heavy night and you are thinking of ending your life, please reach a person now. In the United States, call or text 988 (988 Lifeline). In Canada, call or text 9-8-8. In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans is on 116 123. In Australia, Lifeline is 13 11 14. Anywhere else, Find A Helpline lists services by country.
One next step that asks nothing about church: tell one person you trust that this is on your mind tonight, or read Psalm 34:15-21 once and stop.
Bible Nudge gives a person one passage with the story around it, and Find a passage is where to start.
Words that come up here
Tap a term to see what it means.
Church hurt. A phrase people use, at different widths, for harm or heartbreak that happened inside a church community.