When Your Teenager Was at a Shooting: What to Do in the First Days, What to Say, and Psalm 34:18 for a Broken Heart

What you can do in the first days

The American Academy of Pediatrics on HealthyChildren.org says a parent can begin by asking what the teenager has heard, what questions they have and how they feel. It offers a line to say out loud: "We are here to support each other." It adds that teenagers may ask more questions than younger children and may post messages of support on social media. It says children and teenagers should return to ordinary rhythms as far as possible.

The National Child Traumatic Stress Network, in its Talking to Children About Mass Violence sheet, says, "Protect your teen from too much media coverage and social media about the incident." It says coverage can bring back the fear that it will happen again and can spread rumors, and suggests asking what your teen has already seen online. It also describes closer check-ins for a while and keeping family expectations, while recognizing a teenager's need for friends.

Face down.

Where to turn tonight

• The SAMHSA Disaster Distress Helpline says it "can provide immediate counseling to anyone affected" by a traumatic event or disaster, by call or text at 1-800-985-5990. Youth, adults, loved ones of victims and people affected by media reports can use it, including people who were not physically hurt.
• The National Child Traumatic Stress Network publishes a sheet for teens coping after mass violence, for teens who were involved, who saw or heard about it, or who were affected by coverage. It says, "If you want to talk to someone, ask your parent or other caring adult, school counselor or nurse, or primary care provider."
• The National Mass Violence Victimization Resource Center offers information for victims, survivors, family members and communities, and routes to victim assistance and mental-health support.
• For local help, ask your school or district, Macon-Bibb County, the Bibb County Sheriff's Office and the county victim-witness office.
• The Georgia Crime Victims Compensation Program says someone eligible can include a person who "witnessed a violent crime" or "suffered serious mental or emotional trauma as a result of being threatened or being present during a violent crime." It lists parents or guardians of someone injured and names mental-health counseling among the covered costs. Ask the program which route applies.

Psalm 34:18, words for a parent and for a teenager

Psalm 34 is a song of praise formed in hardship, holding suffering and God's attentive presence together. A few verses earlier it says "His ears listen to their cry" and "The righteous cry, and Yahweh hears." Then comes verse 18, from the World English Bible:

Yahweh is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit.

It says where God is: near, in the present tense, to a heart that feels broken, nearer than a parent can get through a closed door, with nothing asked in return.

A question to hold as a parent: "What would it mean to let nearness, rather than explanation, be enough today?" One way to use the verse is to read verse 18 once, quietly, with your teenager's name, at a time of night when the house is still. Read Psalm 34:18 with the verses around it, and Bible verses for a broken heart and Bible verses after a mass shooting read nearby passages.

What to watch for, and when to ask for more help

The AAP's page on post-traumatic stress says children and teenagers can develop post-traumatic stress symptoms after seeing a shooting, even when they were not physically hurt. It lists nightmares, flashbacks, disrupted sleep, irritability, sudden emotional reactions, trouble concentrating, loss of interest, being constantly on guard, substance use and self-harm as possible reactions. A child may need support beyond the family when distress continues for several days, when fears do not ease, or when problems begin at school, at home or with friends, and symptoms can appear six months or more after an event.

So, the people to call are your pediatrician, your teenager's school counselor or the school nurse, and the national lines at the end. A teenager can also be frightened and sad for a friend who is hurt.

What people say, and what to try instead

A parent asked on Reddit's r/Parenting, "What do we tell our kids after this tragedy?" Parents ask it, and the AAP's answer is to begin by asking.

Some lines land badly, and you may recognize one you have said. These alternatives are the site's own wording.

• Instead of "At least you weren't hurt," try "I'm so glad you're here, and I know it still landed on you."
• Instead of "Everything happens for a reason," try "I don't have the answer, and I'm staying right here."
• Instead of "Be strong for your mother," try "You don't have to be anything tonight."
• Instead of "You need to move on," try "Take all the time it takes, and tell me if you want company."
• Instead of "Tell me exactly what happened," try "You can tell me any of it, or none of it, whenever you like."

For the morning school resumes.

Sitting with them in Scripture

In Job 2:11-13, three friends hear of Job's trouble and come from their own places to show sympathy and to comfort him. They weep aloud when they see him, and then "sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great." It gives company first and words later, which is what a parent outside a bedroom door offers by staying close. You can read Job 2:11-13 with the verses around it. If you have been silent for days, what to say when you do not know what to say may help.

Romans 12:15 says, "Weep with those who weep." It is addressed to the Christian community and records shared feeling as part of life together, among Paul's short instructions in Romans 12:15.

The site's own words to pray, alone or with your teenager:

God, be near to every teenager who was there, and to their parents. Be near to my child tonight. Help me to sit close and to listen. Amen.

Where to go next

If your teenager, or you, need to talk to someone, these lines are listed by country. In the United States, the SAMHSA Disaster Distress Helpline is 1-800-985-5990 by call or text, the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is 988 by call or text, and Crisis Text Line is text HOME to 741741. In Canada, Kids Help Phone is 1-800-668-6868 or text CONNECT to 686868, and 9-8-8 is for call or text. In the United Kingdom, Childline is 0800 1111 and Samaritans is 116 123. In Ireland, Samaritans is 116 123 and Pieta is 1800 247 247 or text HELP to 51444. In Australia, Kids Helpline is 1800 55 1800 and Lifeline is 13 11 14. Anywhere else, Find A Helpline lists lines by country. For bereaved families in the UK, there is Cruse Bereavement Support.

Tonight, knock, ask what they have heard and how they feel, listen without correcting, and read Psalm 34:18 once.

If you would like a passage of your own, Bible Nudge can take a line about what you are carrying and come back with one passage and what surrounds it. Find a passage.