What to Say to Someone With Cancer: Words to Send at Each Stage, in a Card, and When You Want to Offer Prayer

Words to send today

Asked on Reddit's r/cancer what helped most, one patient answered, "Most helpful: 'It's hard.' Just a simple acknowledgement that yeah, it's hard." Another in the same Reddit thread quoted her boyfriend: "It was simple: “I’m here.”" The American Cancer Society suggests, "I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care. I’m here for you."

Leave the diagnosis alone in the first message. Cancer Council Australia says it is up to the person with cancer "how much detail to share and when to share it." Three for a text:

• "I just heard. I'm so sorry. It's hard, and I'm here. No need to reply."
• "Thinking about you tonight. You don't have to write back."
• "I don't have the right words, but I love you and I'm not going anywhere."

A passage for a card

If you want a line of Scripture, the Bible's words, in a card or under your message, Bible Nudge offers Psalm 56:3-4 for fear. Here it is with the two verses before it, in the World English Bible:

1 Be merciful to me, God, for man wants to swallow me up. All day long, he attacks and oppresses me. 2 My enemies want to swallow me up all day long, for they are many who fight proudly against me. 3 When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you. 4 In God, I praise his word. In God, I put my trust. I will not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?

Psalm 56 is David's prayer while in danger, and it moves between fear and trust. What it gives the person who receives it is a line that begins where they may already be, "When I am afraid," with the fear and the trust in the same sentence, and it asks nothing of them. Before you press send, read verses 1 to 4 yourself and answer the psalm's question for your own part: what are you afraid of right now, if you say it plainly? Then send verse 3 with one line of your own and "no need to reply." The post on verses for cancer patients reads the same psalm for scan week.

At the diagnosis, listening carries more than wording

The American Cancer Society says "the most important thing is not what you say, it’s that you’re there and willing to listen." Cancer Research UK says "Silences are OK, don’t feel like you have to fill them with words."

People with cancer said the same on Cancer Research UK's Cancer Chat forum: "Let me lead the conversation." "If I cry you don’t need to change the subject." "I don’t want advice…… unless I ask for it."

During treatment, name one job and one day

In the same Reddit thread, one patient valued "I'm guessing you're aren't going to be feeling up to mowing the yard, so I'll cut your grass until you are ready to." The Canadian Cancer Society quotes a patient who found "all the best memories were things that people did, rather than said." Instead of "let me know if you need anything," try one job and one day: "I'm bringing soup on Thursday. I'll leave it on the step."

In Mark 2:1-12, "Four people came, carrying a paralytic to him," and when the crowd blocked the door, "they removed the roof where he was" and lowered his mat. The story ends with the man walking home. It gives you four friends who did the carrying when the way in was shut.

Scan week and the end of treatment

Cancer Research UK says follow-up appointments and tests can cause worry, and Cancer Council Australia says "Many people find they need support after active treatment ends." Many patients call the dread before a scan scanxiety.

One patient on Reddit's r/cancer heard this at the wrong moment: "You're so strong. You've got this. You'll be back to normal in no time." For results day, try: "Thinking of you today. Text me a word afterwards if you want, or nothing at all." A month after treatment ends: "It's been a month since your last treatment. How are you, really? Coffee next week?"

If the cancer has come back, or they are dying

Cancer Research UK says "The dying person might find it hard to come straight out and say they are scared or would like to talk," and offers an opening: "I know this is very difficult, but maybe it would help if we talked about how we feel, and what the future may bring."

On Reddit's r/cancer, about a friend who is terminal, one reply said: "Give them a bit of normalcy. Go for a walk and listen. Bring a bottle of wine and treats. Play a board game together. Go to a museum. Chit chat and gossip. Watch a FUNNY movie." For afterwards, there is what to say to someone who lost a loved one.

"Fight" and "battle"

In an interview study of women with metastatic breast cancer in the US, some did not identify with war language. In "More than conquerors", a 2022 interview study of patients with non-metastatic cancer, all used war metaphors and said they helped them make meaning. On Reddit's r/cancer, one patient listed "You've got this! You are a warrior!!" among the hardest things to hear, and another wrote in a Reddit post, "I AM NOT BRAVE. I'm desperate for my life."

The American Cancer Society says "Don’t urge your friend to ‘fight’ the disease," and "Don’t offer medical advice or your opinions on things like diet, vitamins, and herbal therapies unless asked." Listen for the words your friend uses, and use theirs. Proverbs 25:20 says it this way: "As one who takes away a garment in cold weather, or vinegar on soda, so is one who sings songs to a heavy heart."

Offering prayer

The friend on Reddit's r/CancerFamilySupport wondered whether she would "be tired of hearing the same thing over and over again like “thoughts and prayers”." A patient on Reddit's r/cancer counted among the least helpful words "You have to stay positive and everything will be fine," followed by a promise to pray, so the prayer arrived with a forecast attached.

The Catholic Bishops' Conference of England and Wales says Christians "should visit the sick, remember them in prayer," and the Orthodox Church in America describes a visitor bringing "a sympathetic ear, a loving heart, a prayerful spirit." Offer prayer as a question they can decline, and name what you will pray for: "Would you like me to pray for you? I'd pray for rest tonight and a good day at Tuesday's appointment." For a friend of another faith or none, ask first. The cancer patients post describes the rites a patient can ask a priest, pastor or rabbi for.

If you are visiting

The Babylonian Talmud, at Nedarim 39b-40a, treats bikur cholim, visiting the sick, as a religious duty. A Stanford Health Care Jewish spiritual-care guide adds, "The visitor is well advised to respect standard visiting hours."

In Mark 10:46-52, "Many rebuked" the blind beggar Bartimaeus, "that he should be quiet." Jesus said, "Call him," and asked, "What do you want me to do for you?" The story ends with his sight restored. It gives a visitor a question to borrow, asked of a man everybody else had talked over.

If you have said nothing for weeks

The Canadian Cancer Society reports "Many people with cancer feel ghosted by friends and family." On Reddit's r/breastcancer, one patient wrote, "I have CANCER, I NEED my friends, I NEED that phone call, that check, that text, that gift, that food, that whatever."

In 2 Timothy 1:15-18, Paul writes that "all who are in Asia turned away from me," and names Onesiphorus, who "sought me diligently, and found me." His name is kept because he came looking. You can still be that friend: "I've been quiet because I didn't know what to say, and I'm sorry. Can I bring dinner Saturday?" There is more in what to say when you do not know what to say.

If you need support too

These charities also serve family and friends: Macmillan Cancer Support on 0808 808 00 00 in the United Kingdom, the Irish Cancer Society Support Line on 1800 200 700 in Ireland, the American Cancer Society on 1-800-227-2345 in the United States, the Canadian Cancer Society on 1-888-939-3333 in Canada, and Cancer Council on 13 11 20 in Australia. If the person you are writing to speaks of not wanting to go on, their care team is the place to start, and the routes below are there for both of you.

Where to go next

If you or they are thinking of ending a life, reach a person now. In the United States, call or text 988 for the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. In Canada, call or text 9-8-8. In the United Kingdom and Ireland, Samaritans is on 116 123. In Australia, Lifeline is on 13 11 14. Anywhere else, Find A Helpline lists lines by country.

Send the message today. If you want a passage with it, read Psalm 56:3-4 with the verses around it, then send verse 3 and one line of your own.

If you are carrying something yourself, Bible Nudge can take a line in your own words and come back with one passage and the verses around it. Find a passage.