--- title: "What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Child: Their Child's Name, the Years After, and the People Who Came" description: "Messages to send today, a verse for the card, what bereaved parents say helped and hurt, and saying their child's name for years to come." url: "https://biblenudge.com/blog/what-to-say-to-someone-who-lost-a-child" lang: "en" published: "2026-08-19" modified: "2026-08-19" author: "Cal Hewitt" tags: ["grief","loss of a child","bereaved parents","what to say","psalm 34"] image: "https://biblenudge.com/og/blog-what-to-say-to-someone-who-lost-a-child.jpg" alternates: es: "https://biblenudge.com/es/blog/que-decir-a-alguien-que-perdio-un-hijo.md" --- # What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Child: Their Child's Name, the Years After, and the People Who Came [Cal Hewitt](https://biblenudge.com/about/cal-hewitt)Published August 19, 2026 - grief - loss of a child - bereaved parents - what to say - psalm 34 ![What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Child: Their Child's Name, the Years After, and the People Who Came](https://biblenudge.com/blog/what-to-say-to-someone-who-lost-a-child/featured.jpg) Say you are sorry, say the child's name, and ask for nothing back. The Compassionate Friends UK, a charity run by bereaved parents, tells family and friends: ["Do say that you are saddened by what happened to their child, and encourage them to talk about them as often as they want."](https://www.tcf.org.uk/resources/Helping-Bereaved-Parents.pdf) Two lines can do it, with the child's own name: In a thread on Reddit's r/babyloss, a friend about to visit with food wrote, ["I am so nervous I won’t know what to say or talk about other than a hug and ‘I’m so sorry’"](https://www.reddit.com/r/babyloss/comments/170pnnq/visiting_friend_who_just_lost_baby_what_do_i_say/). A parent answered, "But I love when people say my daughter's name." Bring the name with the hug. - "I am so sorry about Sam. I keep thinking about him, and about you. No need to reply." - "Thinking of Maya today, and of all of you. I'm bringing dinner on Thursday unless you tell me not to." - "I loved how Josh laughed at everything. I'm so sorry. I'll keep checking in." ## Before you write ### Today Two lines with the child's name and nothing to answer. ### For a card [Psalm 34:18](https://biblenudge.com/context/psalm-34-18), with the name underneath. ### In person Say the name once, then let the parent lead. ### Every year The birthday and the date of the death, in your calendar. ### The family Siblings and grandparents, by name, in messages of their own. ## A verse for the card > 17 The righteous cry, and Yahweh hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles. 18 Yahweh is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit. 19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but Yahweh delivers him out of them all. Verse 18 speaks of nearness now, and verses 17 and 19 name rescue on either side of it. For a friend who is writing, it gives a verse about nearness that asks nothing of the parents and explains nothing. Write it in the card with the child's name underneath, and keep the question Bible Nudge pairs with [Psalm 34:18](https://biblenudge.com/context/psalm-34-18) for yourself: "What would it mean to let nearness, rather than explanation, be enough today?" [Verses for sympathy cards](https://biblenudge.com/blog/bible-verses-for-sympathy-cards) gives a line to write under it. ## Whatever their age, and however they died The Compassionate Friends UK supports parents bereaved of ["a baby (1 month old or over), toddler, young child, school age child, teenager, young adult or older adult child,"](https://www.tcf.org.uk/what-is-peer-support/) through illness, accident, suicide, substance use and more. The details change; the name stays at the center. Dyregrov, Dyregrov and Kristensen, in a [2018 Norwegian study](https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6088469/) of families bereaved in a 2011 attack, report that the bereaved missed "talking about and commemorating the deceased without being the ones who always brought it up," and quote a mother: "I need to talk about him as he is such a huge part of me." US bereaved parents in [Toller and Braithwaite's 2011 study](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10417940903159393) felt supported when people were willing to talk about the child. **If the child died by suicide or an overdose,** The Compassionate Friends UK's [leaflet for parents bereaved by suicide](https://www.tcf.org.uk/resources/L04-After-Suicide-C14-R1503.pdf) says "some of our closest friends may avoid" them, and that the pain is "as real and painful no matter how our child died." The name, the memories and the offer of help are the same as for any child, and the parents will tell as much of the story as they choose. If anyone is struggling to stay safe: 988 in the United States, 9-8-8 in Canada, Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland, Lifeline on 13 11 14 in Australia, and [Find A Helpline](https://findahelpline.com/) everywhere else. ## Say the name, then let them lead A mother in that r/babyloss thread on Reddit wrote, ["it's very hard to just randomly bring up my dead child in a conversation so I really appreciate people intentionally giving me the opportunity to talk about my baby boy."](https://www.reddit.com/r/babyloss/comments/170pnnq/visiting_friend_who_just_lost_baby_what_do_i_say/) An older mourning rule asks the visitor to wait. The Babylonian Talmud, at [Moed Katan 28b](https://www.sefaria.org/Moed_Katan.28b.1?with=Halakhah), says "The consolers are not permitted to speak words of consolation until the mourner opens and speaks first," and the [Shulchan Arukh](https://www.sefaria.org/Shulchan_Arukh%2C_Yoreh_De%27ah.376.4?lang=bi&with=all) repeats it for Jewish mourning. To honor both, say the child's name once as you greet them, then let the parent decide where the conversation goes. ![A pie in a glass dish covered with a checked cloth on the passenger seat of a car](https://biblenudge.com/blog/what-to-say-to-someone-who-lost-a-child/the-pie.jpg) *Food often arrives first, and the name can come with it.* ## The people who came The Bible records people who turned up. When Ephraim's sons were killed, "Ephraim their father mourned many days, and his brothers came to comfort him" (1 Chronicles 7:22). After everything Job lost, "all his brothers, and all his sisters, and all those who had been of his acquaintance before" came to him "and ate bread with him in his house. They comforted him" (Job 42:11). At Bethany, "Many of the Jews had joined the women around Martha and Mary, to console them concerning their brother," and when Mary rose and went out, they "followed her" (John 11:19, 31); Lazarus is later raised. At Nain, as a widow's only son was carried out, "Many people of the city were with her" (Luke 7:12), before Jesus raised him. These give you a shape to follow: people who came, ate in the house and walked alongside. Job's friends sitting silent for seven days are read in [what to say when you do not know what to say](https://biblenudge.com/blog/what-to-say-when-you-do-not-know-what-to-say). ## When comfort is turned away, or lands wrong When Jacob is shown Joseph's coat, "All his sons and all his daughters rose up to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted" (Genesis 37:35). If your visit or message is turned away, the family in Genesis rose up to comfort him anyway. Jacob is read as a mourner in [who in the Bible grieved](https://biblenudge.com/blog/who-in-the-bible-grieved). Job answers the friends who lectured him, "You are all miserable comforters!" and says what he would have done in their place: "I would strengthen you with my mouth. The solace of my lips would relieve you" (Job 16:2, 5). [Matthew Henry](https://www.biblestudytools.com/commentaries/matthew-henry-complete/job/16.html), a Reformed commentator, reads their speeches as adding to Job's sorrow. Parents on Reddit's r/babyloss have named what hurt: a friend who said ["anyway, enough of that"](https://www.reddit.com/r/babyloss/comments/t3wjt8) and changed the subject, and condolences followed by ["I'm here if you want to talk" and then radio silence](https://www.reddit.com/r/babyloss/comments/1rp3scz). [What not to say to someone grieving](https://biblenudge.com/blog/what-not-to-say-to-someone-grieving) sorts the sentences that do damage into families. ## The months and years after The Compassionate Friends UK says parents contact its [helpline](https://www.tcf.org.uk/helpline-main/) "just a few weeks or months, or five, 10, 20 years or more" after the death. Put the child's birthday and the date of the death in your own calendar, and send one line on each, with the name, every year: "Thinking of Sam today." For the parent on that day there are [verses for the anniversary of a death](https://biblenudge.com/blog/bible-verses-for-the-anniversary-of-a-death). ![A closed pocket planner with a pencil tucked under its elastic band on a kitchen counter](https://biblenudge.com/blog/what-to-say-to-someone-who-lost-a-child/the-planner.jpg) *Two dates a year, written down.* ## Brothers, sisters and grandparents The Compassionate Friends US calls bereaved siblings ["the forgotten mourners,"](https://www.compassionatefriends.org/siblings/) who are often asked "How are your parents doing?" [Child Bereavement UK](https://www.childbereavementuk.org/when-a-sibling-dies) says children are sometimes told "You have to be strong for your parents now," which can leave them feeling their grief matters less. A grandmother quoted by [Child Bereavement UK](https://www.childbereavementuk.org/when-your-twin-baby-or-child-dies) called it a "double loss," grieving her grandchild and her own child's pain. Ask each of them how they are, by name, in a message of their own. ## Verses parents are sent Three passages often reach bereaved parents, each with a story around it. "Yahweh gave, and Yahweh has taken away. Blessed be Yahweh’s name" is Job's own sentence on the day he lost his children, as he tore his robe and fell to the ground and worshiped (Job 1:20-21). "I will go to him, but he will not return to me" is David, about his own infant son ([2 Samuel 12:23](https://biblenudge.com/context/2-samuel-12-23)). [Romans 8:28](https://biblenudge.com/context/romans-8-28), "all things work together for good for those who love God," comes straight after "the Spirit also helps our weaknesses, for we don’t know how to pray as we ought. But the Spirit himself makes intercession for us with groanings which can’t be uttered. He who searches the hearts knows what is on the Spirit’s mind" (Romans 8:26-27). The first two are words a bereaved father and a bereaved king chose for themselves; the third sits in Paul's long argument about suffering and prayer. Psalm 34:18 asks nothing of the person grieving, so leave these three for the parents to bring if they want them. [Verses for the loss of a child](https://biblenudge.com/blog/bible-verses-for-the-loss-of-a-child) reads 2 Samuel 12:23 with the parent. ## If they pray, and if they do not The Catholic Catechism says ["Instructing, advising, consoling, comforting are spiritual works of mercy"](https://www.usccb.org/sites/default/files/flipbooks/catechism/590/) (2447). Follow the family's own faith and words: if they pray, pray with them, and if they do not, the name, a meal and the next message are the comfort. The Compassionate Friends UK suggests offering help with other children, ["pets, or domestic chores to give them space to grieve,"](https://www.tcf.org.uk/resources/Helping-Bereaved-Parents.pdf) and its [leaflet for families](https://www.tcf.org.uk/flip/Helping-Bereaved-Parents/) quotes a parent: "All those friends and family who rallied around me when my child died never realised how they got me through those first weeks." ## When grief needs more The [NHS](https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/feelings-and-symptoms/grief-bereavement-loss/) in the UK says that for some people "grief after a death lasts many months or years," and lists feelings "that do not get any easier as the months go by," not being able to return to everyday activities, and suicidal thoughts. It suggests seeing a GP, a family doctor. If you are worried, offer to go with them. The Compassionate Friends connects bereaved parents with each other: in the UK on [0345 123 2304](https://www.tcf.org.uk/contact/), and in the United States on [877-969-0010](https://www.compassionatefriends.org/find-support/online-communities/online-support/). If anyone is thinking about suicide, reach a person tonight: call or text [988](https://988lifeline.org/) in the United States or [9-8-8](https://988.ca/) in Canada; call [Samaritans](https://www.samaritans.org/) on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland or [Lifeline](https://www.lifeline.org.au/) on 13 11 14 in Australia; anywhere else, [Find A Helpline](https://findahelpline.com/) lists lines by country. ## Where to go next Send the message today, with the child's name in it. If you are carrying something of your own, [Bible Nudge](https://biblenudge.com/) takes a sentence in your words and comes back with one passage and the verses around it. [Find a passage](https://biblenudge.com/nudge). ## Words that come up here Tap a term to see what it means. **Moed Katan.** A tractate of the Babylonian Talmud whose last chapter covers mourning. **Shulchan Arukh.** A sixteenth-century code of Jewish law. ## Share this page If somebody you know is carrying this, the link goes straight to the passage and what surrounds it. Nothing here asks them to sign up for anything. [Facebook](https://www.facebook.com/sharer/sharer.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fbiblenudge.com%2Fblog%2Fwhat-to-say-to-someone-who-lost-a-child)[Pinterest](https://pinterest.com/pin/create/button/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fbiblenudge.com%2Fblog%2Fwhat-to-say-to-someone-who-lost-a-child&media=https%3A%2F%2Fbiblenudge.com%2Fblog%2Fwhat-to-say-to-someone-who-lost-a-child%2Ffeatured.jpg&description=What%20to%20Say%20to%20Someone%20Who%20Lost%20a%20Child%3A%20Their%20Child's%20Name%2C%20the%20Years%20After%2C%20and%20the%20People%20Who%20Came) ## Related Articles - [Bible verses for the loss of a child](https://biblenudge.com/blog/bible-verses-for-the-loss-of-a-child): One passage that does not try to account for anything, the two verses most often brought to bereaved parents, and where the angel phrase came from. - [What to say to someone whose parent died](https://biblenudge.com/blog/what-to-say-to-someone-whose-parent-died): What to send when a friend loses a mother or father, what not to mention, and the harder versions: a long illness, dementia, estrangement, a colleague. - [How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You: What the Bible Says, What Psychologists Separate, and Psalm 34:18 for the Hurt](https://biblenudge.com/blog/how-to-forgive-someone-who-hurt-you): Forgiving, trusting and going back are separate decisions. What psychologists and traditions say, and Psalm 34:18 for a night the hurt returns.