--- title: "How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You: What the Bible Says, What Psychologists Separate, and Psalm 34:18 for the Hurt" description: "Forgiving, trusting and going back are separate decisions. What psychologists and traditions say, and Psalm 34:18 for a night the hurt returns." url: "https://biblenudge.com/blog/how-to-forgive-someone-who-hurt-you" lang: "en" published: "2026-10-09" modified: "2026-10-09" author: "Cal Hewitt" tags: ["forgiveness","how to forgive","hurt","psalm 34","reconciliation","grief"] image: "https://biblenudge.com/og/blog-how-to-forgive-someone-who-hurt-you.jpg" alternates: es: "https://biblenudge.com/es/blog/como-perdonar-a-alguien-que-te-hirio.md" --- # How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You: What the Bible Says, What Psychologists Separate, and Psalm 34:18 for the Hurt [Cal Hewitt](https://biblenudge.com/about/cal-hewitt)Published October 9, 2026 - forgiveness - how to forgive - hurt - psalm 34 - reconciliation - grief ![How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You: What the Bible Says, What Psychologists Separate, and Psalm 34:18 for the Hurt](https://biblenudge.com/blog/how-to-forgive-someone-who-hurt-you/featured.jpg) The hurt has come back tonight, and somebody has told you that you just need to forgive. You may not know how, or whether you want to. Nobody who is still hurting is failing at anything, and nobody who has not forgiven is condemned here. You do not have to stay with, go back to, trust or make up with a person who hurt you. Forgiving someone is one thing a person may do on the inside. Contact, trust and the relationship are separate decisions, and they stay with you. ## If you only have a minute ### Tonight Read [Psalm 34:18](https://biblenudge.com/context/psalm-34-18) once, aloud, and stop there. ### Three different things Forgiving, trusting and reconciling are not the same decision. ### The Bible Its texts pull different ways on whether forgiving waits for an apology. ### If someone is hurting you now Call a domestic abuse or crisis line in your country, listed below. ### A first step Tell one person you trust what has been hard. No decision is required. ## Psalm 34:18, for the hurt The passage Bible Nudge offers for grief: > Yahweh is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit. Psalm 34 is a song of praise formed in hardship. Verse 17 says the righteous cry and Yahweh hears, and verse 19 says Yahweh delivers them out of their afflictions, and the psalm gives no timescale. What verse 18 gives is words for a broken heart that name nearness without asking anything of you first, and a reading that does not hurry. You can [read Psalm 34:18 with the verses around it](https://biblenudge.com/context/psalm-34-18). The question the passage holds is: What would it mean to let nearness, rather than explanation, be enough today? You might read it once tonight, aloud, and stop there. ![A lamp lit beside an empty armchair with a folded blanket on its arm](https://biblenudge.com/blog/how-to-forgive-someone-who-hurt-you/the-lamp-and-chair.jpg) *Nothing to decide tonight.* ## What psychologists and health bodies mean The [American Psychological Association](https://www.apa.org/topics/forgiveness) defines forgiveness as "Willfully putting aside feelings of resentment toward an individual who has committed a wrong," and says "Forgiveness is not equated with reconciliation or excusing another." The [Mayo Clinic](https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in%2Ddepth/forgiveness/art-20047692?p=1) page, published in January 2026, says "Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. It also doesn't necessarily mean making up with the person who caused the harm," and adds that reconciliation may be impossible or unsafe, including where there is abuse. The [Greater Good Science Center](https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/forgiveness/definition) describes forgiveness as "a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance," and separates it from reconciliation and from legal accountability. Everett Worthington (*Forgiving and Reconciling*, 2003) treats forgiveness, reconciliation and trust as related but separate; trust is an expectation about someone's future conduct, and it can stay absent after you forgive. Janis Abrahms Spring (*How Can I Forgive You?*, 2004) allows release of resentment without restoring the relationship. Judith Herman (*Trauma and Recovery*, 1992) describes pressure to forgive as potentially harmful when it skips acknowledgment, safety and mourning. Authors differ on whether warm feelings toward the person belong to forgiveness itself, and none makes the end of pain a required sign. The APA's [2017 Monitor piece](https://www.apa.org/monitor/2017/01/ce-corner.aspx), Toussaint, Worthington and Williams (2015) and Lundahl and colleagues' 2008 meta-analysis report associations between forgiving and wellbeing, with modest effects, but they do not show that forgiving is necessary for healing or that leftover pain is a failure. ## What the Bible says, in its setting In Matthew 18:21-35, Peter asks how often to forgive, and the answer is "seventy times seven" in the WEB and KJV (some translations read "seventy-seven times"). That echoes Lamech's boast of "seventy-seven times" vengeance in [Genesis 4:23-24](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis%204%3A23-24). The parable sets a debt of ten thousand talents beside one of a hundred denarii, and verse 35, "if you don't each forgive your brother from your hearts," is spoken to disciples about one another. Traditions read that condition differently. The Catechism of the Catholic Church ([2843 and 2845](https://www.vatican.va/archive/ENG0015/__PAB.HTM)) says "It is not in our power not to feel or to forget an offense" and that "There is no limit or measure to this essentially divine forgiveness." The Orthodox Church in America's [Forgiveness Sunday reflection](https://www.oca.org/reflections/metropolitan-tikhon/reflection-forgiveness-sunday2025) says "We freely forgive others, no matter who comes asking." The [Westminster Confession](https://reformedconfessions.com/westminster-confession/15/) says those who were offended, once repentance is declared, "are thereupon to be reconciled to him." Evangelical sources differ among themselves. The texts also pull in different directions. [Luke 17:3-4](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+17%3A3-4&version=WEB) says "If he repents, forgive him," while [Mark 11:25](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark+11%3A25&version=WEB) and [Ephesians 4:31-32](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+4%3A31-32&version=WEB) do not name the other person's repentance. [Luke 23:34](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+23%3A34&version=WEB) has Jesus saying "Father, forgive them," though some early manuscripts leave that sentence out, and in [Acts 7:59-60](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts+7%3A59-60&version=WEB) Stephen prays "don't hold this sin against them." These are people who forgave in the hardest moment, recorded without any instruction to do the same on a timetable. Nothing in them tells a hurt person to go back, stay or trust. ## The wronged person, and God's justice Jewish teaching puts the weight on the one who did harm. Mishnah Yoma 8:9 teaches that Yom Kippur does not atone for wrongs between people until the injured person is appeased, and Maimonides draws the same line in Laws of Repentance 2:10. Danya Ruttenberg's *On Repentance and Repair* (2022) describes repentance as acknowledgment, change, restitution, apology and accepting consequences, with no duty on the harmed person to restore access or trust; the [URJ discussion guide](https://urj.org/sites/default/files/2022-09/On-Repentance-and-Repair-Discussion-Guide.pdf) is a place to start. If your person never said sorry, has died or denies it, forgiving inside does not need a reply. [Romans 12:17-21](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+12%3A17-21&version=WEB) says "Don't seek revenge yourselves, beloved, but give place to God's wrath." Psalms 109 and 137 are angry prayers inside the Bible, which gives you permission to pray anger in words already written; Jewish readings place that judgment before God rather than permitting private retaliation. Scripture also records leaving: [Proverbs 22:24-25](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs+22%3A24-25&version=WEB) says "don't associate with one who harbors anger," and [Matthew 10:14](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+10%3A14&version=WEB) says "shake the dust off your feet." Those describe leaving; they are not instructions. If your hardest forgiving is of yourself, [forgiving yourself](https://biblenudge.com/blog/bible-verses-for-forgiving-yourself) is for you. ![A pair of walking shoes by a back door with the laces loosened](https://biblenudge.com/blog/how-to-forgive-someone-who-hurt-you/the-back-door.jpg) *Room to step outside for a while.* ## In people's own words On Reddit's r/AskReddit, in a [thread posted in November 2025](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1p77x15/how_do_you_actually_forgive_someone_who_really/), one person wrote, "I did not forgive. I tried for a while, but it was causing more damage to myself than not so I walked away and don’t talk to that person anymore." On Reddit's r/AskWomen, in a [thread posted in 2025](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/1o3vzpc/how_do_you_forgive_someone_that_has_deeply_hurt/), one wrote, "I simply realized one day that I had forgiven someone who hurt me, and I honestly don't think there was anything I could have done to make that forgiveness happen any earlier." Another wrote, "The ‘you have to forgive to heal’ thing always felt like gaslighting to me." And on Reddit's r/EstrangedAdultKids, in a [2026 thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/1t5fs8r/on_forgiveness/): "I just need different words right now, forgive & forgiveness don't work for me at the moment." Being told you have to forgive to heal, "just let it go," or being handed a verse tends to land badly. In the site's own words, these land better: "You do not have to decide today." "Whatever you decide, I am on your side." "Forgiving and going back are two different things, and the second is yours to decide." ## For a friend, pastor or counselor Send the Mayo Clinic page above, the Psalm 34:18 reading, and one line: "I am not asking you to forgive. I am here, and you do not have to carry this alone tonight." Ask what the person would like from you rather than recommending forgiveness. Never tell anybody to stay silent about abuse. For [estranged family](https://biblenudge.com/blog/bible-verses-for-estranged-family), see that page. ## Where to go next If you were or are being abused, in the United States call the [National Domestic Violence Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/) on 1-800-799-7233, [RAINN](https://hotline.rainn.org/) on 800-656-4673 (text HOPE to 64673), or [Childhelp](https://childhelp.org/contact/) on 1-800-422-4453. In Canada, the [Assaulted Women's Helpline](https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/health-promotion/stop-family-violence/services.html) is 1-866-863-0511 (text #7233) and [Kids Help Phone](https://kidshelpphone.ca/) is 1-800-668-6868. In the United Kingdom, the [National Domestic Abuse Helpline](https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/) is 0808 2000 247, [Rape Crisis England and Wales](https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/) is online, and the [NSPCC](https://www.nspcc.org.uk/) is 0808 800 5000. In Ireland, [Women's Aid](https://www.womensaid.ie/) is 1800 341 900, with [One in Four](https://www.oneinfour.ie/) and [Rape Crisis Network Ireland](https://www.rcni.ie/). In Australia, [1800RESPECT](https://1800respect.org.au/contact-us) is 1800 737 732 and [Blue Knot](https://blueknot.org.au/) is 1300 657 380. If this has turned into thoughts of ending your life, please reach a person tonight. In the United States, call or text 988 for the [988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline](https://988lifeline.org/). In Canada, call or text [9-8-8](https://988.ca/). In the UK and Ireland, [Samaritans](https://www.samaritans.org/) is on 116 123. In Australia, [Lifeline](https://www.lifeline.org.au/) is 13 11 14. Anywhere else, [Find A Helpline](https://findahelpline.com/) lists lines by country, and a local emergency number or a national domestic-violence service is the first call. Your next step: read Psalm 34:18 once tonight, and tell one person you trust what has been hard, with no decision about forgiving required. [Bible Nudge](https://biblenudge.com/) gives a person one passage with the story around it, and [Find a passage](https://biblenudge.com/nudge) is where to start. ## Words that come up here Tap a term to see what it means. **Reconciliation.** Restoring a relationship, which takes more than one person's inner choice. **Trust.** An expectation about how someone will act in future, which can stay absent after forgiving. **Atone.** To make amends for a wrong so that it is set right. ## Share this page If somebody you know is carrying this, the link goes straight to the passage and what surrounds it. Nothing here asks them to sign up for anything. [Facebook](https://www.facebook.com/sharer/sharer.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fbiblenudge.com%2Fblog%2Fhow-to-forgive-someone-who-hurt-you)[Pinterest](https://pinterest.com/pin/create/button/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fbiblenudge.com%2Fblog%2Fhow-to-forgive-someone-who-hurt-you&media=https%3A%2F%2Fbiblenudge.com%2Fblog%2Fhow-to-forgive-someone-who-hurt-you%2Ffeatured.jpg&description=How%20to%20Forgive%20Someone%20Who%20Hurt%20You%3A%20What%20the%20Bible%20Says%2C%20What%20Psychologists%20Separate%2C%20and%20Psalm%2034%3A18%20for%20the%20Hurt) ## Related Articles - [When Your Teenager Was at a Shooting: What to Do in the First Days, What to Say, and Psalm 34:18 for a Broken Heart](https://biblenudge.com/blog/when-your-teenager-was-at-a-shooting): A teenager who was at the birthday party in a Macon, Georgia park, or who knows someone who was? What to do in the first days, where to call, and Psalm 34:18 to read. - [Bible Verses After a Mass Shooting: Psalm 34:18 for the First Nights, Words for Children, and a Prayer for KwaMakhutha](https://biblenudge.com/blog/bible-verses-after-a-mass-shooting): Psalm 34:18 for the first nights after a mass shooting, where to call, words for children, and prayers for KwaMakhutha. - [What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Child: Their Child's Name, the Years After, and the People Who Came](https://biblenudge.com/blog/what-to-say-to-someone-who-lost-a-child): Messages to send today, a verse for the card, what bereaved parents say helped and hurt, and saying their child's name for years to come.